The Epic Saga of the Chosen One. Part 4
by Cannoli

 

Being an account of the heroism and humility of the mighty Chosen One in her self-imposed exile in the desert in preparation for her rise to greatness. Compiled under the personal supervision of the Chosen Amyrlin herself, who, despite having better things to do with her time, has graciously blessed the White Tower Committee of Public Information with her oversight, in an effort to aid said committee in overcoming their flaw of damning her Glory with faint praise in previous volumes of this Saga. Furthermore, the entire membership of this committee volunteers to undertake penance in the form of Labor & Mortification of the Flesh & of the Spirit by working in the Ice Mines of the Aiel Waste, should our poor effort prove unworthy.

5. In those days, the Chosen One dwelled in the Stone of Tear, an ugly structure nowhere near as glorious as the palace she would one day occupy on the grounds of the White Tower. Because of their ugly bigotry, the Tairens credited the Dragon with conquering their fortress, and placed the Chosen One and her companions in lesser quarters, but the Chosen One could not be bothered, as she was occupied with the interrogation of two of the most cunning Darkfriends of all time. And the false Wisdom was there interfering, for all she knew were the slatternly methods of winning the heart of the Prophet's Guardian, and verily these methods worked not when the Chosen One was in the room, for none could pay attention to any other woman in her presence. And just when the Darkfriends were on the point of confessing all, the Prophet barged in and interrupted. And she was followed by the Daughter-Heir who was sore disappointed, for verily, she had missed an opportunity to view the Dragon in his underwear and perhaps express her licentious impulses upon his person.

And the Prophet murmured a great deal about the Dragon, but truly, what could he do that was so worthy of concern? She was sore vexed that he had cut himself, most likely due to his uncouth habit of cuddling his foolish glass sword in bed with him, which had cut him so badly that when the lewd archenemy of the Chosen One, the Harlot of Mayene, crept into his bed chamber to steal his essence & seed for diabolical Mayener rites in worship of the Dark One, she was horrified and fled. And when the Prophet had departed, the Chosen One decided that on the off chance the Dragon might someday do something of minor significance, it were for the best if he were not besotted with the lewd and whorish Harlot. And casting about for someone who might suit his lustful nature and low tastes, she offered to allow the Daughter-Heir permission to engage in a relationship with the Dragon. And because the Daughter-Heir was prideful they discussed ways of seducing him, for she would not accept that a simple word from the Chosen should be enough to make any man love a woman. And she did reject the Chosen One's suggestions as well. And the following morning, they did go unto the rooms of the Dragon, and after the Chosen One taught him to use the One Power (verily, a feat no woman has ever managed with a man) she did leave him and the Daughter-Heir alone. And what they got up to when she left is, verily, nothing the Chosen One wished to know about.

And so it passed that three days were spent by the Chosen One and her companions in the Stone of Tear, where they did mostly complain about the heat, and the Daughter-Heir & the false Wisdom did engage in every sort of debauchery imaginable with the Dragon and the Guardian of the Prophet. And the Chosen One took a bath, and those who read this saga and denigrate those women who take baths can jolly well go bed themselves. And as is so often the case when one of the Chosen One’s acquaintance engages in hygiene, the Chosen One’s Savage Companion contrived to be naked in the vicinity. The Chosen One was verily charitable and refrained from speculating as to her motivation, though surely given the debauched nature of the Daughter-Heir, the Savage Companion would verily have found herself being set upon for lewd purposes. Surely she wouldst not have abandoned the company of the Chosen One for such scandal were she not similarly licentious at heart. Verily, the Chosen One could not trust anyone, and all didst desire her.

And after three days had passed, the Shadow struck at the Chosen One, sending Trollocs into the Stone, slaughtering many. And the Chosen One prepared a weave that would have cleansed the Stone of their foul presence and had a feedback effect that might have destroyed the Shadow forever, but the bumbling Dragon interfered and used a weave that the Chosen One could not even see, thus cleverly shielding himself from her rightful criticism. And his killing of the Trollocs was sloppy butchering, and verily unrelated to the skilled and precisely efficient weaves of the Chosen One, which might have won Tarmon Gaidon then and there. And the companions of the Chosen One were so useless in the fight, that the Chosen One did lie down to dream, that she might find some way to get them out from underfoot.

And verily, the Chosen One did find that the city called Tanchico was afflicted with evil, and she did see right away the full scope of the problems within, and they were simple and easily solved, and so she did awake and speak unto her companions telling them to go to Tanchico to solve this trivial matter. For in that place of the Dream, called Egweneworld in our day, the Chosen One did meet the Wisest One, who was a bumbling amateur in the ways of the Dream. And this Wisest One, an important counselor of the Aiel savages, did implore the Chosen One to bless their land with her presence, that she might demonstrate her puny knowledge for the Chosen One’s amusement, and verily, the Chosen One could correct any flaws in their techniques or lifestyles. And this the Chosen One did decide to do, but the savages were sorely misguided and simple and susceptible to foolishness, as shown by their loyalty to the Dragon. For this reason, the Chosen One knew she could not permit her foolish and slatternly companions from dogging her heels and interfering, and thus shuffled them off to where they could do some good, even if only by accident. And she did direct her Prophet to see to the details, and it was done.

And when the Dragon had given his orders for his trivial plans to be followed, the Chosen One did mention that she would be going to the land of the savages to enlighten them. And the Dragon did immediately want to come along, and the Chosen did let him come too, despite her Prophet thinking to find other uses for the Dragon’s time. For though the Prophet was far wiser in affairs than any mere man could be, in truth such things were not very important, and it would be better if the Dragon could learn from the Chosen One’s good example for a while longer. And the Dragon nearly killed them all by attempting to use a Portal Stone, and the Chosen One had to subtly fix it so they did arrive safely.

And when they did come to the Waste, the savages gathered around in nearly worshipful awe of the Chosen One, with the Wisest One at their forefront. And the Dragon & the Troublemaker Mat did pester the Wise Ones for their attention, and begged to go exploring in the Rhuined city as if the last time had not caused them enough trouble. And the Wise Ones assented to get them out of their hair. And they sent the Chosen One’s Savage Companion into the rhuins naked to perform one of their silly rituals to test her worthiness. And verily they were foolish, for what more proof of worthiness does one need than the friendship of the Chosen One?

And the Chosen One and her Prophet went aside with the Wise Ones so that the Chosen One might share her wisdom, but the Prophet did suffer from the heat, and babbled foolishness, and the Wise Ones, being wise, and perceiving the ire of the Chosen One at such idiocy, did hasten the steps of the Prophet off to the Rhuined city. And when the Chosen One, in her vast humility, suggested she might go to the city as well, the Wise Ones were aghast at the thought. For verily, ordinary men and women must prove themselves, but the Chosen One needs prove nothing. To require a trial or test of the Chosen One is verily to doubt her, and such is the path of folly. And in their demurral, the Wise Ones proved their name. The Servants of All would prove more foolish, and would take longer to live up to their name, and realize that the best way to serve ALL is verily to serve the Chosen One. And so the Chosen One and the Wise Ones did discuss dreaming, and the Wise Ones told the Chosen One what they knew so that she might fill in the gaps in their teaching. And yea, they were Wise and she had to tell them very little. And she regretted that such tiresome tasks of teaching the ignorant for the Dragon & the Troublemaker were whiling away the hours, likely getting up to no good in the Rhuins. But she was the Chosen One, so she did accept her duty and endure the bleatings of the Wise Ones as they attempted to impress her.

And much time passed while the Dragon & the Troublemaker, and the Savage Companion and the Prophet lingered in the Rhuined city, and the Wise Ones grew bored and wanted to leave, and only the will of the Chosen One kept them there. And verily, she did prove her loyalty to her friends, no matter how foolish they were and no matter how they had dwindled in importance since the Chosen One came out of hiding to reveal her greatness to the world. And e’en as the Chosen One had foretold, verily the Dragon & the others emerged, and did speak of unimportant and foolish things to the Wise Ones, to which the Chosen paid no mind, and they did set out to the home of the Wisest One. And along the way, they did encounter peddlers who had come into the Wasteland of the Aiel to see if the Chosen One was in need of any civilized amenities, and verily they did bring a gleeman to amuse her. And the Chosen One paid them small heed, for verily, how important could insignificant purveyors of trinkets be, when the Chosen One was marching toward her destiny? But she did sense great evil in the heart of the gleeman and trusted him not. And she was proven right for eventually he did forsake her amusement to fawn over the Dragon. Only one well steeped in the wickedness of the Shadow could prefer the service of the Dragon to the Chosen One, and the Chosen One cared not, for she saw that he was lowly and insignificant, and verily, she did allow him to stray, for of a certainty there was nothing he could possibly teach, and the Chosen One sought only knowledge, for so great was her mind that knowledge she did not already possess was rare indeed, and thus the most valuable thing to her. For wondrous is her mind and all her ways. Verily.

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