RJ vs. GRRM - Sex
by Cannoli

 

I know what you're thinking. "Why bother showing up, RJ? Martin's got you beat, hands down. Your series has to compete on the grounds of its suitability for younger readers, superior characterization, more thorough development, and much faster release of books (sad but true)." But let's take a long hard look. Think about being a SoI&F character, who wants some sex.

Male Character: George, I've been in three of your books now, I think I've earned a little somethin', somethin' if you know what I mean.

GRRM: Okay, this shouldn't be too hard. I have a bunch of sex scenes planned for the next book, A Variety of Violence. Okay, how about a romp with a prostitute?

Male Character: Actually, I'd prefer some normal sex with a woman who is not being exploited in some way, or after my money. You know, mutual fun?

Michael Strahan: Hah! Good luck!

GRRM: Okay, I can marry you to a 12 or 13 year old.

Male Character: That's still kind of gross. Do you have anyone over 21?

GRRM: What about your sister?

Male Character: Come on!

GRRM: Okay, what about a woman so far below you in worldly power or social standing as to make the issue of informed consent irrelevant?

Male Character: What about a woman with similar interests, relatively close to my own age, from a similar background?

GRRM: Sorry, the only way I can make that happen is if you are married to someone else, or else bound to a holy vow of celibacy.

Male Character: Okay, forget sex. What if I want to get married to a nice normal wife?

GRRM: Well, you'd have to get engaged to someone else first.

Male Character: Forget it.

GRRM: Hey, I could "reveal" that you've been a woman this whole time, and make you a lesbian! Then I could give a girlfriend who meets your rather extreme criteria.

Male Character: What about all the graphic descriptions of my genitalia?

GRRM: Mmmmm. 12 year-old lesbian slave girls who have taken vows of abstinence sleeping with their married brothers. For money. This book is gonna write itself! And it shouldn't take more than six years, either!


By contrast, WoT offers much better opportunities. If you're a woman, you run the world, so whatever you want is yours for the taking. Not even ta'veren can long resist the importunings of horny women. And you don't have to use sex as a commodity to get what you want. If you TRY using sex to protect your nation, he'll refuse the sex, but give you the protection. And send you on vacations to Ghealdan with your crush!

As for the men, look at the things you can get WoT women to do:

Male character: I didn't mean to cheat on you, or you, with you. I, um, actually love all three of you equally, and I want all three of you just as badly. Yeah that's it. Oh, I'm so ashamed of my sincere love.
Female character1: Okay. Fine by me.
Female character2: Yeah. Me, too.
Female character3: We can make this work.
Male character: Did I say three of you? I meant 11.

Maiden of the Spear: If we have sex, you have to understand, I don't want any commitment. My life is dedicated to the Spear. Stop snickering.
Some guy: Ahem. Okay. Your terms are acceptable to me.
Maiden of the Spear: Oh, and if the whims of my biochemistry happen to cause me to get pregnant, don't think you will be allowed to support it! I'm going to give it to an anonymous family, and you'll never see it again.
Some guy: Well, your terms are tough, but I think I can live with them. *sotto voce:* And if I wanted a family, would I be doing you? Not likely.
Maiden of the Spear: Oh, and one more thing.
Some guy: rolleyes Gee, I hope it is not as arduous as your previous conditions.
Maiden of the Spear: You have to sleep with my best friend, too.

Guy: Oh sh1t. I forgot our anniversary. Honey, I am so sorry. I ask you on bended knee to forgive me. I guess I blew my chances of getting any tonight, huh?
Saldaean Woman: (brandishing knife) What. Did. You. Say?!?!
Guy: Um, I mean, Get back in the kitchen and fetch my dinner. And NOW.
Saldaean Woman: That's more like it, darling. Do you mind if I vent my frustration by shaving my neighbor's head and stabbing the mailman?
Guy: Knock yourself out, babe.

Ebou Dari woman: Hah! I can stab you whenever I want!
Man: Is it true you're not allowed to own a ship?
Ebou Dari woman: Um, yeah, but YOU can't own any inns!
Man: Deal. What are the odds my ship can outrun your inn?

Tinker woman: Wait, wait, we're doing it wrong. It goes 1, 2, 3, Bump, 4, 5, Grind, THEN Thrust.
Other tinker woman: Oh, right. What if we excite some men's passions beyond all reason?
Tinker woman: (sternly) The leaf accepts all things in their time. Resistance injures the spirit. If that happens, nothing to do but lie back, close your eyes and think of the Song.
Other tinker woman: Ah. I suppose our purity of spirit is why so many teenage boys run away from their farms to join us?
Tinker woman: Must be.

Midwife: I taste URINE for a living. You can bet there's NOTHING I won't put in my mouth.

Seanchan: Only a pervert would want to have sex with a mareth'damane.
Lanfear, Graendal, Nynaeve, Morgase, Aviendha, Elayne, Kiruna, Alanna, Myrelle, Moiraine, Someryn, Egwene, Melaine, Amys, Meidani, Siuan, Leane etc.: Guess we're doomed to a life of celibacy.

Okay, so it's not all perfect. But you get the picture. Gimme WoT sex over SoI&F sex any day.

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