Chuck Norris visited the World of WoT

by Cannoli

It is a well-known fact that one night in South Carolina, Chuck Norris was chatting with the author of his favorite Conan books (loosely based on Chuck’s childhood in the Hyborian age) and detailed his adventures when he smashed through the barriers of the universe and wandered the world of the Wheel of Time for several thousand years. The author in question decided it would make a great story, and wrote it all down. Out of modesty, Chuck demanded this author remove all references to himself. Here and now, we set the record straight.

• The Wheel of Time turns and ages come and go leaving memories that fade to legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten by the time the Age that gave it birth comes round again. Except for Chuck Norris. He does not forget. Anything. Unless he wants to.
• Chuck Norris lived in the world of WoT for a long time. Age has been described in WoT as the “Wheel grind(ing)” and presumably wearing away at a person’s physical being like a sharpening wheel or something. Needless to say, this would not have an effect on Chuck Norris.
• Lews Therin and the Hundred Companions were ensnared by the Dark One upon arrival at Shayol Ghul. They were facing a horrible death, and complete mission failure, until Chuck Norris arrived and roundhouse-kicked the Dark One back into the Bore and wrenched it closed with the force of his will. The very sight of such power unleashed drove LTT & company mad. The Dark One did the metaphysical equivalent of crapping his pants in fear, all over saidin, which is why other men continued to go mad.
• Latra Posae spent much of the early Breaking following Chuck Norris in a state of sexual infatuation. As a result, she happened to be on hand for his greatest victories against the remnants of the Shadow’s forces, and when he went on his way, she took credit for his accomplishments, and became known as the Cutter of the Shadow.
• When Chuck Norris learned about the death of LTT’s family, he went to go visit him. Elan Morin Tedronai stopped by at the same time, saw Chuck Norris, and fled in terror to the Bore, where he hid for a thousand years. When he came out again, he had a massive Trolloc army for protection. The result was the Trolloc Wars.
• Chuck Norris slapped some sense into LTT, and when LTT confessed his guilt for the killings, Chuck Norris kicked him so hard that he was propelled hundreds of miles to a place near a river. Chuck Norris tracked him down and punched his supine body so hard that he was driven through the ground, and triggered a volcanic incident. The island of Tar Valon formed when the river attempted to get out of Chuck Norris’ way.
• The White Tower was not built for the Aes Sedai. It was originally a monument erected by the Ogier in honor of Chuck Norris’ anatomy. The Aes Sedai were so aroused, they decided to move in.
• Chuck Norris founded the Compact of the Ten Nations by threatening to roundhouse kick any king who did not sign, and promising to sleep with any queen who did.
• King Aemon was a bachelor. When Chuck Norris arrived at Aemon’s field to rescue his friend Aemon, he killed the Trolloc Army, and wrecked the city of Manetheren at the request of the dying king, to prevent unworthy successors of Manetheren from trying to take it.
• Trollocs armies did not burn part of the Tower during the Trolloc Wars, the fire was started from Chuck Norris cursing out the Aes Sedai for betraying Manetheren.
• The Ogier “Longing” was originally called the “Fear.” They are compelled to return to the Stedding by the Fear of running into Chuck Norris, who disapproves of their rambling.
• Only Chuck Norris can break a Power-wrought blade. He is the reason for their scarcity.
• The Heron is the symbol of a blademaster, because one time in a fight with 37 swordsmen, Chuck Norris grabbed a live heron, commanded it to “Hold still, or else” and used its stiff-with-terror body as a weapon, parrying and impaling his foes with the bird’s beak. Since that day the heron on a sword has been a boast that “I am almost good enough to make Chuck Norris consider using a weapon.”
• The Shadow breaks the Seals to the Dark One’s prison by placing them where Chuck Norris may step on them.
• The Horn of Valere actually contains a recording of Chuck Norris saying “Did I say you could die? Get back here and fight, you pansies!” The very best of those of tried to fight him are drawn back to the world to serve whoever blows the Horn, out of fear that Chuck Norris gave him permission to use his voice.
• The Dragon Reborn is necessary to fight the Dark One, because Chuck Norris considers it a task unworthy of his efforts.
• The real significance of the Dragon’s role in the Last Battle is to prove to Chuck Norris that at least ONE person in this crappy universe is gutsy enough to take on the Dark One, and convince humanity to support him in his effort. When someone shows this quality to Chuck Norris, he will step in and finish off the Dark One.
• Callandor was made to trim Chuck Norris’ beard. He agreed to let the Dragon Reborn use it when he showed up. The warding protecting Callandor gets out of Chuck Norris’ way when he comes to Tear to shave.
• Illian has no walls because they got tired of Chuck Norris knocking them down.
• Altara and Murandy have each been united under a single king in the past. It both cases it was Chuck Norris, and when he got bored and abdicated, no one could agree on who was worthy of taking his place.
• Likewise, Andor switched to queens because once Chuck Norris had ruled Andor, no worthy man could be found. Women were placed on the throne instead as a sexual offering to tempt Chuck Norris into coming back and taking the throne again. Eventually, they started giving orders, and people obeyed, just in case Chuck Norris did return. No one wants to explain to Chuck Norris that they dissed his woman.
• The Sea Folk stay at sea because they are afraid of Chuck Norris. Their tactic is futile of course, but their efforts amuse Chuck Norris, and he allows them their delusion of safety.
• The Way of the Leaf and the Water Way were inspired by the futility of fighting Chuck Norris.
• The Aes Sedai swore the Three Oaths because Chuck Norris is not deceived by their lies, because weapons are useless against him, and because using the Power as a weapon can only make him mad.
• The Dark One’s stalactite teeth invert themselves into conical holes when Chuck Norris comes to visit.
• Chuck Norris built the Stone of Tear. It was inspired by the obstacle course he played on as a child. It was made far more vulnerable, because the life expectancy of most people in Chuck Norris’ childhood playground equipment is measured in seconds.
• Machin Shin was once quite urbane and witty. Then it pissed off Chuck Norris and he kicked it so hard it went insane and incoherent. I know it is a wind and has no head to kick. That never stopped Chuck Norris.
• Artur Hawkwing was not that good of a general. He simply asked Chuck Norris for help whenever he got in trouble. The statue of Hawkwing in Andor was actually a statue BUILT BY Hawkwing, and depicts Chuck Norris. It hides mostly underground out of fear he might find it a poor likeness and smash it.
• The Horn of Valere is no longer in the White Tower. Chuck Norris took it out. He made holes in the wardings that the rats and crows have discovered.
• The attack on the Sun Palace in Cairhien was not renegade Asha’man, it was Chuck Norris kicking the palace because he was pissed at Rand for letting women troubles get to him.
• The Cleansing did not destroy Shadar Logoth, or the taint. In reality, the Aelfinn told Rand that Chuck Norris would be there on a certain day, and he pushed all the taint onto Chuck Norris, who swallowed it. Moghedian felt the effects of his subsequent belch. He then punched the ground to leave the crater found afterwards. And the knowledge that he was present scared the Forsaken away. They were winning before that.
• The weave used by the Asha’man at Dumai’s Wells was not a weapon as such. It was actually a giant Mirror of the Mists showing the image of Chuck Norris. The Shaido fled in terror. After that, Sevanna dreamed of marrying Chuck Norris.
• Mat’s fireworks at the Stone of Tear merely blinded him so he could not see Chuck Norris bashing a hole in the wall for him.
• The victory at Malden was so decisive, because Chuck Norris went into the aqueduct that morning, and was kicking Shaido ass from their rear.
• Chuck Norris killed Aram by flicking arrows at him with his pinkies.
• Chuck Norris pushed the building on Faile to keep her from wandering out into the battle and getting hurt.
• Chuck Norris pushed the building on top of Mat to show him that not even luck beats Chuck Norris.
• Tam didn’t kill the Trollocs who broke into the farmhouse, Chuck Norris came along and saved him, and gave him a lecture about slacking off for 19 years. Only Chuck Norris is that good.
• Chuck Norris saved Moiraine from Merean, and Lan from Ryne in New Spring.
• Chuck Norris goes through the redstone doorway ter’angreal as many times as he wants. And he can ask as many questions as he wants, on whatever topic he wants. He doesn’t bother. Chuck Norris knows what he needs to know.
• The Myrdraal and Trollocs entered Shadar Logoth to hide from Chuck Norris.
• The Stone of Tear fell several times. Whenever Chuck Norris was trick-or-treating in Tear.
• Chuck Norris got so excited watching Rand fight Asmodean that he jumped up and down, causing a lake to form on the spot he was watching from.
• Trollocs call the Aiel Waste “the Dying Ground.” The Aiel Waste thinks “Oh shit!” when Chuck Norris comes to get a tan.
• Maidens of the Spear don’t marry because they’re holding out for Chuck Norris.
• The sa’sara was invented with the goal of seducing Chuck Norris in mind.
• Jearom was defeated when he saw Chuck Norris flexing his fingers behind the farmer with a quarterstaff. He got so scared, he dropped his sword. The farmer believed he won.

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