Explaining Egwene (KoD Spoilers)
by Cannoli

 

 

In an attempt to truly understand Egwene and heal the chasm of differences that separate the lunatics who love her and the normal people who would pass a sobriety test, I have decided to try and explain where she is coming from and what her views are by summing up her train of thought and stated positions. (Inspired by the Summaries of Books 1-7 written by Dominus. Available in the Miscellaneous section of the Fan Fiction here on wotmania) Here goes.

Egwene on Relationships
Egwene: I no longer love Rand. I must break up with him. Wow, look at Elayne's face. She’s really upset about him. I think maybe she loves Rand. All my fellow Two Rivers folk dislike nobles intensely and none of the men like Aes Sedai. I know! Elayne would be perfect for him! Elayne, he’s all yours. Aren’t I the best friend in the world?

Elayne: Well, why didn’t you say something over the last two books when I was hinting about how much I like him? By the way, should we ask Rand’s opinion on all this?

Egwene: This doesn’t concern him.

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Egwene: Rand, I am breaking up with you. Be brave. You will find someone else…

Rand: Someone like Berelain? ‘Cause she’s hot, and is going to be the first noble to actually follow me loyally without getting anything in return...

Egwene: No, burn you! I want to stuff her in a ship and send her back to Mayene.

Rand: Well, what about Aviendha? She’s not a noble and she doesn’t want to be Aes Sedai, which is something I like in a woman…

Egwene: I’ll come down on you like a falling tree!

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Elayne: Rand, I know it’s only our second conversation, but I want you to kiss me. I am wearing immodest clothing, but I don’t want you to take this as a sign of commitment.

Egwene: How sweet!

Berelain: My lord Dragon, I am lonely, can we talk?

Egwene: Filthy whore!

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Lan: I am twenty years older than Nynaeve.

Egwene: I must send you to her to further your relationship.

Melindhra: I am ten years older than Mat.

Egwene: He can’t date you, you ancient hag!

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Aviendha: Oh, no Rand has fallen from the tower during the battle with the Shaido. I will sit and fuss over him while Egwene bandages everyone else. I will hug him while riding on his horse and I will watch him all the time and every Maiden of the Spear will make suggestive jokes about us, or shout crude obscenities outside our bedroom window, and I will have dreams about him where I am naked.

Egwene: I think the outside possibility exists that Aviendha might like him.

Nynaeve, Mat, Bael, Bashere, the rest of the universe: DUH!

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Aviendha: My best friend in the whole world, whom I adopted as a sister, is pregnant! I am so happy for her!

Egwene: I will never understand Aiel customs.

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Egwene: Ah, a dream of Gawyn. I love these dreams where we have sex. I especially love being pulled into his dream for sex against my will. I can’t wait to have sex with Gawyn. I don’t need to ask my mother’s permission, since she is sure to give it, and I don’t care if we ever get married, I just want to ride him until he begs for mercy. Tee hee.

Berelain: In the privacy of my own dreams, where I have no control, and no one is supposed to know what is happening, I sometimes dream about having sex with people Egwene knows.

Egwene: Filthy Whore!

Elayne: Well, Egwene, your matchmaking was a success. Rand loves me in spite of our great cultural differences and the fact that we have spent less than 36 hours together. We consummated our relationship, and used our reproductive systems for their biological purpose of producing offspring, which I need to follow me on the throne.

Egwene: Filthy Whore!

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Egwene: Wow, Aram’s a great dancer, and he’s so good looking. And his kinswomen are teaching me to do arousing dances. And Galad is so gorgeous! And his brother is cute too. Someday I’m going to enjoy his lurid bondage fantasies of me.

Min: I met Rand once.

Elayne: Me too.

Egwene: Men are pigs!




Egwene on priorities

Elayne: Well, we found the Bowl of the Winds like you told us to, even though a powerful Shadowspawn and two Black Ajah were sent to stop us.

Nynaeve: Yes and we used it to undo the Dark One’s touch on the world, and prevent a devastating drought and the famine and disease and social breakdown that would surely have followed.

Elayne: But it was beyond the ability of the best weather channeler in Salidar, so we had to have Sea Folk help us.

Nynaeve: Yes, and some Aes Sedai will have to be inconvenienced to pay for it.

Egwene: You wool-headed loobies! You could have ruined everything! How dare you! This is going to cause problems for me in my plot to secretly gain dictatorial powers by starting a war!

Elayne: Well, at least the rivers won’t dry up, and people won’t starve.

Egwene: The Aes Sedai wouldn’t have starved. There would have been plenty of food for us to finish conquering Tar Valon. Food will let Elaida outlast our seige longer.

Nynaeve: Yes, it’s all making sense now. Can we help Rand?

Egwene: No.

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Egwene: Hey, you Aes Sedai, we’re besieging Tar Valon. It is a feat never done successfully before and we need every advantage we can get. How about you tell us where you are going, so we can make sure no one sneaks off to show Elaida all our new secret weaves?

Aes Sedai: How dare you stick your nose into private business. This is not allowed. We will never stand for this! Get out of our business!

Egwene: Gee, they’re right.

Nynaeve: I’m off to help Rand save the world from insane channelers. I even left a note.

Egwene: I’ll have to set Nynaeve al'Meara (not her actual name) down hard when I see her next! Just because I promised Rand back in tFoH that he would get help from the rebels, is no reason for Nynaeve to keep that promise!

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Toveine and co: Heigh ho, heigh ho! It’s off to murder Asha’man we go!

Taim: Well they tried to kidnap the Lord Dragon and now they’re coming to kill us! This calls for drastic measures. Bond them so they can’t harm us or the innocent men who work for us, but don't hurt them or lock them up.

Logain: That sounds a little harsh. Let’s give them orgasms too.

Taim: Okay.

Egwene: Rand must be punished for this. I rule all Aes Sedai, even those who don’t want me.

Logical Person: But weren’t you elected by people who said they don’t have to listen to an Amyrlin they don’t want?

Egwene: *sniff*

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Rand: I’m meeting with Aes Sedai. Wanna watch?

Egwene: Well, these women are my enemies, who will try to kidnap me if they find me, and they are from a Red Amyrlin, who almost certainly means no good to Rand, and he is the Dragon Reborn, the one indispensable person in the world, and they are opposed to my faction of Aes Sedai. Their being here is just about the worst thing in the world.

Rand: Should I be rude to them to make them go away?

Egwene: Rude? To Aes Sedai? *faints*


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Common Scum: I heard a rumor that Elaida set up false Dragons for the glory of the Red Ajah.

Egwene: What utter nonsense! How dare anyone say that! I stalk away with my back stiff! I won’t listen to such filth!

Sheriam: If you repeat the rumor, you can be Amyrlin Seat.

Egwene: Tell the whole world!

Siuan: It was a lie.

Egwene: Details, details. By the way, I hereby appoint you my expert on honesty. I will do whatever you say about truthfulness.

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Rand: I am the Dragon Reborn.

Aiel: It is He Who Comes With the Dawn.

Rhuarc: We are the people of the dragon. See, I have Rand’s flag on my arm. I will set guards to protect Rand from everything except horny women.

Egwene: Wow, the Aiel really think Rand is important.

Moiraine: The Wise Ones sent me a letter.

Egwene: Wow, they think you’re important.

Moiraine: They say they will wait for Aviendha on the slopes above Rhuidean.

Egwene: Wow, they must think she’s important.

Amys: Egwene, I’ll talk to you after I get home from Rhuidean.

Rhuarac: Hey, honey I’m home, here I am on Rhuidean!

Moiraine: Just like their letter predicted.

Egwene: So something big is going down, and they sent Moiraine a letter about it, and they insisted on Aviendha being here, and they sent all these Aiel to find Rand, and their boss wears Rand’s banner on his arm. Wow. They must think Rand and Aviendha and Moiraine are important.

Amys: There is someone important with you Rhuarc.

Egwene: Oh, she’s talking about ME!!!


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Wise Ones: Dreams are very important Aes Sedai. We have dreams about you.

Moiraine: Well, I have a lot of questions about your secret old tongue names for things.

Egwene: Can we talk about me now?



Egwene on manners and respect

Egwene: Teach me about Dreamwalking!

Wise Ones: Well, okay.

Egwene: Oh, and feed me and give me a place to sleep too. And I am a soft wetlander, so I will need lots of water.

Wise Ones: Okay, but if you don’t pay attention, you will have to earn your keep by doing dishes.

Egwene: Nobody makes two important ta’veren who aren’t asking for any favors from the Wise Ones wash dishes. It isn’t fair. All they have to worry about is coming back from a place that kills two thirds of all the men who go there. They have it so easy!

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Egwene: Well, my work in the Tower, undermining Elaida, is a success. The novices are in awe of me.

Smart Bystander: These novices, I take it they are important in deposing an Amyrlin then?

Egwene: Well, no, they don’t have anything to do with that.

Smart Bystander: Oh, but the people who do, they listen closely to the opinions of novices, right?

Egwene: Actually, no. And they spank the novices for offering unsolicited opinions. And considering all the trouble I’m in, it’s good for the novices that the Aes Sedai DON’T ask them for their opinions, or they’d get in trouble for giving me cushions and honey and calling me Mother.

Smart Bystander: And the Aes Sedai?

Egwene: I think they’re getting bored of spanking me.

Smart Bystander: Well, at least the novices are going to be influential Aes Sedai soon.

Egwene: Actually, they have to get promoted to Accepted and then earn the right to be tested for the shawl. And I was the fastest ever, but everyone says that was WAY too fast.

Smart Bystander: So how long was an acceptable length of time?

Egwene: The record was three years.

Smart Bystander: So three years from now, some people who are impressed by you, might be Aes Sedai? And the only hope for the Tower is that you save it from the mess Elaida, Romanda, Alviarin, Siuan and Sheriam have made between themselves?

Egwene: Yes.

Smart Bystander: *weeps*
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Nicola: Listen to what Egwene says, she has lots of good advice on how to survive as a novice.

Egwene: Listen to the Accepted.

Nicola: Did you?

Egwene: Actually, I mostly stewed with resentment towards them and stuck my tongue out behind their backs. Another thing to do is listen to the Aes Sedai.

Nicola: Did you?

Egwene: No actually, I went behind their backs a lot and snuck out of the Tower to help a friend. I only listened to Aes Sedai when they told my former boyfriend to do something stupid.

Nicola: Just how did you get ahead?

Egwene: I was born in the same village as the Dragon Reborn, which brought me to the attention of the Amyrlin Seat, who rushed me through all the procedures because she was paranoid about the Black Ajah. And I go to be Aes Sedai by being remembered as a pliable weakling who’d make a good puppet.

Nicola: Oh. So THAT’S how obedience helped you.

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Rand: My dreams are my most personal, private thoughts. When I found out the Wise Ones were watching them, I put a shield on my dreams to keep people out.

Egwene: Ah. A shield. Why would Rand shield his dreams? I know! To give me something to practice breaking through shields! It can’t be because he wants privacy! I think I’ll try to break in just about every night.

Wise Ones: Egwene, will Rand tell you his secrets?

Egwene: No, he doesn’t seem to trust people much. I guess he’s paranoid or something.




Okay, I could go on forever, but you get the drift. Feel free to add anything in a similar vein.

P.S. As a bonus, I did some for Sheriam as well.

Sheriam
Elaida: I hate you Egwene. Even though you passed the test, you are scum and should never be allowed to come back to the Tower. You don't belong here! Drop dead!

Egwene: Sheriam, all the other Mistresses of Novices won't let anyone interfere with the trainees. Why didn't you say something?

Sheriam: You are an Accepted. Accepted have to stand up to Aes Sedai.

Egwene: Then tell me what happened in that test?

Sheriam: Watch your mouth, kid.

Nynaeve & Elayne: Why aren't you Aes Sedai doing something? The world in being slowly roasted by the Dark One, the Dragon Reborn needs help and you people are sitting around? How come two Accepted who have discovered more new things than you sisters even dreamed of are the only ones trying hard?

Sheriam: How DARE you stand up to Aes Sedai! Who do you think you are? Accepted?

Nynaeve and Elayne: Yes.

Sheriam: Damm.

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Sheriam: I know what is best for Salidar. Lelaine and Romanda might have centuries of experience but they cannot be allowed to control my puppet Amyrlin!

Puppet Amyrlin: Okay, Sheriam, I'll see your "preparations to leave Salidar," and raise you a "threat from the Dragon Reborn to drop by for a visit."

Sheriam: I fold. Let's go to Tar Valon.

Puppet Amyrlin: Wow, bluffing her is easy. I can't believe Siuan just taught me this game over breakfast.

Sheriam: Well, at least Egwene is still my polite, tea-offering puppet.

Puppet Amyrlin: Hey, if I yank my strings, her hands move!

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Elaida: The Hall has legally voted to depose Siuan, and we ordered her stilled for screwing up so badly.

Sheriam: This is lawful, even if it is mean. Sorry, Siuan.

Nynaeve: How about if I undo that punishment - like so!

Sheriam: Oh that's wonderful!

Nynaeve: Can someone undo MY punishment, now?

Sheriam: Are you insane? What kind of a world would this be if people didn't get punished for screwing up?

Nynaeve: I didn't screw up. I yelled at you, and in the alley later, you admitted you felt guilty for punishing me and your friend admitted I was right.

Sheriam: Que?

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