Will there ever be fighting among the Tinkers?
by Cannoli
I can see that battle playing out now. The two leaders of the opposing sides ride out from their lines drawn up facing one another across a stretch of the Caralaine Grass. They greet each other, and prepare for the usual taunts and attempts to psyche out their adversaries. Then one man speaks:
Captain-General Hieman of the Orthodox Tinkers: "Okay, you filthy heretics are really going to get it. Time to end this once and for all so we can play our crucial part in the Last Battle in the Orthodox Tinker way. The TRUE interpretation of the Way of the Leaf!"
Banner-General Ytsok of the Reform Tinkers: "We will no longer accept your hide-bound and repressive interpretations of the Way of the Leaf! Change must come before your ways doom the world!"
Captain-General Hieman: "The Pit of Doom, you say! Hidebound? We're supposed to observe the Leaf, not smoke it, like I suspect you fools are!"
Banner-General Ytsok: "Be prepared to eat death! My faithful legions await my command to crush you all!"
Captain-General Hieman: "Go ahead. Who's stopping you?"
Banner-General Ytsok: "Well, we will. Wait and see."
Captain-General Hieman: "Okay then."
Banner-General Ytsok: "In fact we're so tough, that I'm even going to cede you the initiative. Take your best shot, attack at will."
Captain-General Hieman: "Well, I do have the most troops. Plus my Garish Wagons of Blinding Colors prepared to slowly drive toward your puny forces. You're going to take a licking."
Banner-General Ytsok: "Good. I mean, bring it on! We didn't give our dogs their mid-morning snack, so you KNOW they're going to be ornery and we put collars with rubber spikes on them as well!"
Captain-General Hieman: "And I've been having our wagon drivers practice urging their teams into a slow jog. Speed is crucial to war."
Banner-General Ytsok: (Interested)"Really? Where'd you hear that?"
Captain-General Hieman: "I read it actually. In a book by a fellow named Madoc Corman, or somthing. It's all about war."
Banner-General Ytsok: "Wow. How did you get one of those?"
Captain-General Hieman: "I ordered it from Erinen.com, and it came in a brown wrapper. I told my wife it was porn."
Banner-General Ytsok: "So did it say anything, you know, specific? About the um, fighting parts? By any chance?"
Captain-General Hieman: "Well, there were a lot of platitudes and generalities. The only thing I really recall specifically about fighting says to smother your enemy with arrows from a distance."
Banner-General Ytsok: "What's that mean?"
Captain-General Hieman: "I was hoping you could tell me. I think we're supposed to make the arrows go at our enemies, but we can't make them work. One of my squadmen managed to throw one 13 yards at the feet of a man-shaped target. Then he went catatonic, but I think that's progress."
Banner-General Ytsok: "I hear you're supposed to make them fly from a bow."
Captain-General Hieman: "Yes, but that way hurts your fingers."
Banner-General Ytsok: "Ooo. That's going to harm the soul of the innocent bow."
Captain-General Hieman: "Yeah, I know. That's why we stick to throwing them."
Banner-General Ytsok: "Good, good. Hey, can I be frank with you?"
Captain-General Hieman: "Sure, the Leaf approves of honesty."
Banner-General Ytsok: "Um, right. Anyway, this is kind of embarassing, but, well, I'd appreciate it if YOU attacked first. See, we aren't really sure what to do in a battle. I mean, the Leaf may be on our side, and we have superior insight into the Way, but we're not so well-informed about the particulars of this violence stuff."
Captain-General Hieman: "Oh, crap, you too? My plan was to harm your souls by making you inflict injury upon us!"
Banner-General Ytsok: "Ouch. Me too. We thought we'd lose, but then you'd all go to hell for doing violence, and when we were reborn as the Wheel turns, we'd be able to preach our doctrine unimpeded."
Captain-General Hieman: "Hah! You fools and your 'reform' heresy! There is no hell. It just harms your soul to do violence."
Banner-General Ytsok: "If there is no hell, what point to spiritual harm? Dogmatic idiot!"
Captain-General Hieman: "Insult the holy and true Way of the Leaf will you? Prepare to face the consequences!"
Banner-General Ytsok: "Hah! I see there is no speaking of the truth to a set-in-stone anti-Leafer like yourself! You will rue the day you rejected the true Way of the Leaf!"
Captain-General Hieman: "Okay!"
Banner-General Ytsok: "All right then!"
Captain-General Hieman: "Good!"
Banner-General Ytsok: "Yeah."
Tinker woman from the sidelines: "Are you two done yet? We have a victory strip-tease all planned, with a special bump-and-grind of triumph."
Narg Jr.: "Now my friends! Avenge my father's death at these SOB's hands!"
Other Trolloc: "I thought he died in the Two Rivers?"
Narg Jr.: "Eh, they're all edible, and it's not like we're rocket scientists."
Captain-General Hieman: (dies)
Banner-General Ytsok: "No wait, me fir-akk."(also dies)
Narg Jr.: (belches)
Myrdraal: "Yes, that's it, human female. Gyrate for me some more. Mmmm. Who's your sterile daddy?"
Tinker Woman: "Next life, I'm coming back as a Maiden of the Spear."