The instant answer! Balefire!
by Mat Bloody Cauthon
People feel that Rand should have balefired Semirhage to get his hand back. It is quite ridiculous, really. It's just a hand. However, that gave me plenty of ways balefire could come in handy...
They stood frozen, staring at the purple afterimage that was Semirhage.
Nynaeve: *sniff* That was completely unnecessary.
Rand: But I have my hand back.
Cadsuane: Foolish boy. We could have learned a lot from her.
Rand: Yes, but my hand, it’s back, see? Waves hand.
Min: Cadsuane is right, you wool-headed, hay pitching, cow-milking, Bela-shagging, sheepherder! We could have learned what the Shadow has planned.
Rand: I know, but my hand is reattached to my wrist, see? Wiggles fingers.
Bashere: *coughs* Of course, you did still have another hand.
Rand: Yes, but I have two again. I need two so I can...do...whatever...like shadow puppets. Rand puts his thumbs together and flaps his hands. See, a bat.
*Blank stares*
Rand: Well, I can do other things more important than shadow puppets...I can, you know, use a sword again. Because using a sword is very important, never mind having access to a power so great I could level a mountain, boil the seas....or create a sword! *Creates sword.* Take this Shai’tan! Hops around everyone, swinging the sword.
****
Rand: Perrin! Good to see you again, man. How have you been?
Perrin: Alright. Perrin rubs his neck.
Rand: What’s wrong with your neck?
Perrin: Faile…..she got a little rough…you know…last night. Perrin blushes.
Rand: I understand that all to well. Faile, she is still in your room?
Perrin: As far as I know. Why?
Rand: I’m going to take care of that neck of yours.
Rand walks off. Minutes pass by and Rand returns, dusting his hands.
Rand: So how is your neck, now?
Perrin: Good, actually. Perrin stares at Rand. You know, you could of had someone heal me, instead.
Rand shrugs.
****
Rand and Cadsuane are lying in bed, huffing and puffing.
Cadsuane: Rand, I think I am pregnant.
Rand: What! We just finished! How do you know?
Cadsuane: Min, she saw it. Now I know how it happens.
Rand: I am one fertile guy.
Cadsuane: Of course, I thought Min was crazy. I’m over 1000 years old and my breasts dried up and shrank hundreds of years ago! How in the world can I still have a baby?
Rand: Ta’veren. Chance swirls around me, making the impossible possible. There is no end. Elayne, Aviendha, Min, Birgitte, and even Moiraine was pregnant when she died. Nynaeve is not carrying Lan’s baby, that's for sure. And I didn't even have sex with her! The pattern is out of control. It has to stop.
Rand raises his newly formed hand toward Cadsuane.
Cadsuane: Rand! Don’t! Please!
Rand holds his hand out for a few more seconds before he lowers it toward the direction of his private area.
Cadsuane: Rand...what? NO!
Rand: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
That is but some of the great things that can be done with balefire. Lost a fingernail? Get it back! The barber gave you a bad haircut? Get it back! Did someone give you a really bad bikini wax? Get it back! Just ask RJ.