You might be a Randland redneck…if you think “Maidens of the Spear” is just the name the local Madam uses to promote her “girls”, and “Water Seekers” is just a group of good buddies who bar hop on weekends lookin’ for the cheapest beer on tap with the highest alcohol content before they pay a visit to the Maidens for a little, umm, smoochin’.
You might be a Randland redneck…if you think “Aiel” is what you yelp when you stick your bare butt into a patch of prickly bushes because you had to go so bad you didn’t look first…and what you yelp twice if you were doing the standup thing and fell forward into ‘em because you got too drunk on that cheap Water Seeker beer.
You might be a Randland redneck…if you think the Amyrlin Seat is some fancy-pantsy precious metal-plated throne-like toilet not made for the likes of your hairy peasant’s heiny (which is why you got it stuck in those prickly bushes instead).
You might be a Randland redneck…if you think that Seanchan soldier over there – the one who is about to strap you to the back of a Grolm, slap it on the butt, and holler “Ride’em you son of a damane!” - is your best new compadre just because he says “Trust me; this’ll be the best danged bull ride you’ve ever had son!”. And you were just complementing him on that jim dandy cootie-head helmet of his too!
You might be a Randland redneck…if a gang of Ogier run you out of their stedding on a rail instead of bustin’ their big ole’ beer bellies laughing over what you thought were your best sung wood jokes (the one about Shania Twain singin’ to “Woody”, and the other one about the Dixie Chicks singin’ Hank Williams’ deadwood back to life with full harmonizing vibrato).
You might be a Randland redneck…if you still don’t understand why Moiraine trussed you up with ropes of air like a rodeo calf and hung you off the Tower of Ghenjei for three straight days just because you hollered a greeting to her across a crowded public square (Howdy there Moiraine! Golly you look dog tired, even from way over here! That foursome in the hayloft last night with Siuan, Gareth, and Thom musta been one really big Yahoo Woo, Hoo!!)
You might be a Randland redneck…if you’re really disappointed that the only part of Elayne’s hot rod ter’angreal you can find is that one red piston. And it’s still warm, so you know somebody was having some fun ‘cause they just pulled it outta the engine!!
You might be a Randland redneck…you fill in the blank
