A Memory of Light Ch. 3: The Hit
by Paetram
Min: Rand, who's that?
Rand: Who are you?
Slayer: Oh, I'm just the hitman. See, it works like this. You stand here in this spot while I whack you with this rusty pipe, then stuff you in this sack. I've got a few boys down at the pier...
Rand: But what if I don't want to be "whacked."
Slayer: Fat Tony's not going to like that.
Rand: Who's "Fat Tony?" Is he who hired you to kill me?
Slayer: No. Fat Tony works for this other guy, see. And I don't know who that is.
Rand: Have you ever seen this "other guy."
Slayer: Well, I might have caught a glimpse of him at Fat Tony's place once. They went in the back and talked for a while.
Rand: Was he by any chance tall and hook-nosed?
Slayer: No, that's just Demandred. Demandred and Fat Tony's boss don't get along, I know that much.
Rand: Who in bloody ashes is Fat Tony? Is he one of the Forsaken, or a shadowspawn from the Blight?
Slayer: No, Fat Tony's from South Jersey.
Rand [looks blankly at Slayer]: So, are you going to kill Min, too?
Slayer: Well, that will be extra, you know? I've got four kids to support, and I gotta pay my shrink next week...
Rand: I don't want you to kill her! Wait, aren't you that Slayer Perrin was talking about? Aren't you my half-uncle? No, that wasn't it. Half of you is my uncle? I think I'm going crazy again...
Slayer: You're talkin' about Luc. I'm Isam right now. Luc came down with a case of stomach flu and couldn't make it today. Are you ready to be whacked, now?
Rand: No. Say, I think I know who Fat Tony's boss is now. Hey Min, didn't we pass him on our way here?
Min: Why yes, Rand. I think I overheard him say something like "Tony's boy is gonna pay for his disrespect this time."
Slayer: Oh, wait a minute. I just remembered I need to be somewhere else right now. [disappears]
Rand: Ba da bing.
Min: Ba da boom.
[Alright, I "appropriated" the name "Fat Tony." It just sounded appropriate. And obviously this is not serious fan fiction, just a stupid parody, so don't nobody whack me.]