James Lipton interviews the Dark One
by Paetram
Lipton: You are quite the dramatic actor, Shaitan [the world suddenly lurches]. Is it OK to call you that?
Dark One: WELL, I LIKE THE NAME. IT'S VERY FORBIDDING. SCARES PEOPLE SPITLESS. BUT THE PROBLEM IS THE OTHER CHARACTERS ARE ALWAYS PRONOUNCING IT WRONG, AND THEN...WELL...NO LURCH. HAVE TO START THE WHOLE SCENE AGAIN, AND SOME OF THEM, ESPECIALLY THE PROLOGUES, ARE SO DAMN LONG.
Lipton: Getting back to what I was saying... You're a dramatic actor, aren't you? Your scenes are so serious, full of fire, brimstone, general bad-temperedness. Classic mustache-twirling villain stuff. And your
lines are fraught with such portent. You know, like ominous things are about to happen several books later. [suddenly changing the subject] Do you enjoy working with Ishamael?
DO: WELL, HE DOES TEND TO OVER-ACT AT TIMES, WITH ALL THE "No! I will not be unmade!" STUFF. HE REALLY GETS INTO HIS ROLES, THIS ONE IN PARTICULAR. IT WAS SUCH A SHAME THEY REPLACED HIM WITH THAT HACK MORIDIN. RAND CERTAINLY BROUGHT OUT THE EVIL HENCHMAN SIDE OF HIM. HE'S NOT AT ALL LIKE THAT OUTSIDE THE BOOKS. ACTUALLY, HE'S BIG ON GARDENING. GROWS THE BIGGEST STRAWBERRIES YOU EVER SAW.
Lipton: Now I am going to ask you ten questions originally compiled by the great Bernard Pivot, whoever that was. Shaitan... [lurch] That's always fun, isn't it? Shai... what is your favorite word?
DO: QUIBBLE.
Lipton. Interesting. What is your least favorite word?
DO: DIPHTHONG.
Lipton: What turns you on?
DO: NIGHT WALKS ALONG THE BEACH.
Lipton: What turns you off?
DO: YOU KNOW HOW IN MOVIES WHEN THEY SHOW SOMEONE USING A COMPUTER AND THIS PERSON CLICKS ON SOME RIDICULOUSLY LARGE ICON TO READ THEIR EMAIL OR SOMETHING, AND THEN THERE'S THIS LONG STUPID ANIMATION THAT TAKES ABOUT THIRTY SECONDS AND IS ALL IN 3-D AND PROBABLY COST ABOUT TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS TO MAKE THAT NO SANE PERSON WOULD WANT TO SIT THERE WAITING THROUGH JUST TO READ THEIR STUPID EMAILS THAT ARE MOSTLY SPAM ANYWAY? THAT.
Lipton: What is your favorite curse word?
DO: I'D SAY "FLAMING", BUT IT'D BE A LIE. I CAN'T SAY THE REAL ONE FOR FEAR OF PREMATURELY DESTROYING THE WORLD. ALL IN GOOD TIME.
Lipton: What sound or noise do you love?
DO: THE STANDARD STUFF. WEEPING, MOANING, LAMENTATIONS.
Lipton: What sound or noise do you hate?
DO: YOU'VE READ THE SERIES, HAVEN'T YOU? GUESS. [points at his nose]
Lipton: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
DO: A BOXER, I THINK. OR A MAFIA BOSS.
Lipton: What profession would you not like to attempt?
DO: GRADUATE ASSISTANT.
Lipton: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear the Creator say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
DO: "SHAITAN, WHAT DID YOU JUST DO? YOU DIDN'T DESTROY CREATION AGAIN, DID YOU? THAT'S A BAD SHAITAN! BAD!"