The Creation of the White Tower
by PseudoDragon

 

 

I have no inspiration to write the Personal Diaries at this time, but I felt in a WoT-humourish mood, so I whipped this up instead. Its not as funny as the Diaries, but it'll have to satisfy you all until I can finish a new one to my liking.


The REAL Creation of the White Tower

Scene: 8 women, who happen to all be Aes Sedai, are standing on a riverbank, gazing out at an island in the middle of the river…

AS1: Please please please please please please please pleas-…
AS2: No.
AS1: …-ease please please please please please please please plea-…
AS2: I said no!
AS1: …-lease please please please please please please ple-…
AS2: *sigh*
AS1: …-ease please please please please please please please please pleas-
AS2: Alright, alright, already! We can live there!
AS1: YAY!!!
AS3: Actually, it would be a good place to try and reform our society
AS4: Yes, we could build a huge tower to live in, a large, stiff erection, hard as stone…
AS3: Shut up, we get it.
AS5: Yes, and then a city will be built around it! The largest city on earth!
AS6: And then we can rule the world! I mean…help the people…yeah…
AS1: World domination sounds good to me!
AS2: You’re both Darkfriends
AS6: Shuttup! I am not!
AS2: Yes you are.
AS6: Nuh uh!
AS2: Yuh huh!
AS7: Both of you shut up. Now lets think logically here: do we want to build a tower here and use our influence in a broken world to control the nations for our own amusement?
All AS: Yes.
AS7: Then I’m in.
AS8: But what should we call it?
AS1: Happyland!
AS4: Largestifferectionland!
AS6: Disneyland!
AS2: All of you shut up. You’re all darkfriends.
AS6: Hey, shut up!
AS7: How about we take some random Scrabble letters and try to form a cool name out of that?
AS8: Here, I’ll select a few letters from the bag. We have…a ‘T’, ‘V’, ‘R’, ‘A’, ‘O’, ‘A’, ‘L’, and ‘N’.
AS2: Hmm…
AS1: La Rot Van?
AS2: No
AS1: Umm…Torn Lava?
AS2: No
AS1: If there was an ‘e’ we could get Raven A Lot
AS2: How about you stay out of this?
AS1: Fine *sulks*
AS5: How about…Tar Valon? It sounds so wicked. Lets use that!
AS2: Fine, fine. Tar Valon it is.
AS6: We should segregate ourselves into different Ajahs so we can be divided during times of chaos-…uh, I mean, so we can each pursue our own interests.
AS2: Darkfriend
AS6: Am not!
AS7: Since there are eight of us, we can each form our own Ajah.
AS1: And lets use colors to distinguish them! Shotty Blue!
AS2: Ok, but what will your Ajah do?
AS1: Party!
AS2: Alright…but what will be its cover-up mission?
AS1: Oh…um…helping the world solve their injustices by involving ourselves directly?
AS5: And mine will do so using diplomacy!
AS6: What’s your color?
AS2: Shut up Darkfriend
AS6: I AM NOT!!!
AS5: Oh, something neutral I suppose…how about grey?
AS7: Well I want white for mine. Its only logical, since I want my cause to be about logic, and logic is pure.
AS3: Ok…the made no sense, but it works. White symbolizes the Light, and they never do anything useful either.
AS6: But the Dark side does! I am so Black Ajah! I help the Dark One!
AS2: Hah! You ARE a Darkfriend!
AS6: Yes, but keep it down would ya? I’m going to be the secret Ajah.
AS4: I want to love men!
AS2: I want to hate them!
AS4: I want to have lots of husbands!
AS2: I want to kill lots of men!
AS4: My cover up will be that I fight the Dark One
AS6: Damn you
AS2: Mine will be that I am helping the world by gentling the male channelers
AS4: And I want Green, because it’s so cool!
AS2: I want Red, because it symbolizes the blood that is everywhere when I am done with a man.
AS6: Vicious. I like it. Hey! My Ajah can live among yours, pretending to be Red but actually being Black!
AS3: And while you’re all killing people, I’ll heal them. And I’ll be yellow
AS1: Another useless Ajah.
AS3: Yes, but Yellow will be such a pretty color to wear.
AS5: Is that everyone?
AS2: No, that’s only seven. HEY YOU! PAY ATTENTION!
AS8: Hm, did you want me? Sorry, I was caught up in reading these history books. What am I supposed to be doing?
AS6: Pick a color
AS8: Well Orange is quite lovely…
AS1: Er…Orange Ajah? No way. Try saying it fast: OR-IN-JA-JA. Think again
AS8: Although vermillion is quite nice…
AS2: Um…Vermillion Ajah? Try to be more basic.
AS8: Turquoise?
AS3: No
AS8: Crimson?
AS4: Nuh uh
AS8: Burgundy?
AS5: Nope
AS8: Cerulean?
AS6: Hell no!
AS8: Cobalt?
AS7: Definitely not.
AS8: Oh whatever, I’ll just go with brown. Now leave me alone
AS4: The colour of crap? Fits you well
AS2: Ok, now what do you want to do?
AS8: Read my book, so shut up!
AS3: Forsaking the mundane world and studying history? Sounds good. Most useful idea yet.
AS1: I think we should get warriors to protect us too. It could get dangerous.
AS4: Yes, lets get men! Lots and lots of men! We can use bondage!
AS7: You mean bond them?
AS4: I know what I meant…
AS2: You guys can, but I will not.
AS6: How about we torture all girls trying to become Aes Sedai as well? You know, pretend to “teach them a lesson”?
AS2: I like the sound of that!
AS1: Now what should our tower be called?
AS6: The Black Tower!
AS2: You’re supposed to be secret, remember? We can’t advertise Darkfriends like that.
AS6: Oh, right…
AS5: The Grey Tower
AS7: No, that shows some of us are Darkfriends
AS1: The Blue Tower!
AS7: Um, no…
AS2: The Red Tower
AS7: No…
AS3: The Yellow Tower
AS7: I-…
AS4: The Green Stiff Erection!
AS7: Bu-…
AS8: The Brown Poo-Poo Tower?
AS7: All of you shut up! We’re calling it the White Tower and that’s final!
AS6: I don’t like it…
AS2: Shut up Darkfriend
AS6: Stop calling me that!
AS2: Well you are
AS6: Yeah, but it just seems so unorthodox.
AS2: Oh, you’re so unorthadox!
AS6: Ok…that made no sense…but whatever…
AS7: Anything else we should think up for our Tower?
AS3: We can just wing it as we go.
AS1: Now its time for a slumber party!
AS4: W000T!
AS2: Ugh…
AS1: Hey, it’s a tradition! Everytime the Aes Sedai reform,
AS2: They celebrate with a slumber party, I know, I know.
AS1: So loosen up! And LET’S GET NAKED!!!
AS4: Can we invite some men along this time?
AS2: NO!!!
AS1: But they just stand there and drool the whole time. They’re no fun
AS4: Oh, they’re very fun. Especially when you bring along a lemon and boxing gloves…
AS6: Oh shut it.
AS4: Darkfriend
AS6: I SAID SHUT IT!
AS5: Will you be my pillowfriend?
AS2: *mutters* Light how I hate this…

And the 8 women partied on long into the night. Well, six of them partied. One spent the whole time reading, and one refused to join in the celebrations, and spent the whole time stabbing voodoo dolls of Lews Therin Kinslayer and his companions. Of the other six, one ended up inventing a new ter’angreal that vibrates (in the shape of a long, thin tube), one got piss drunk and tried to turn the others to the Dark Side of the Force (which no one could figure out what it was), one tried to use the Power to turn the rest into men (three guesses who that one was), one tried to heal the drunkenness of the others but ended up turning their noses into water balloons (she was, unfortunately, the drunkest of them all), one disappeared altogether (she was later found hanging from the highest branches of a tree, muttering something about flying) and one tried to compromise everyone’s situation into something fun for the whole family (and ended up inventing a board game which she named “Scrabble”.

And so the White Tower was created, amidst oosquai and confetti, and the world as we knew it changed forever.

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