Egwene's Personal Diary
by PseudoDragon
Well, Rand's Diary was a hit, so I went ahead and did one for Egwene too. (For those who missed Rand's, its linked at the bottom)
Warning: swearing and suggestive content. Viewer discretion is not advised, because then I would lose readers, but don't say I didn't warn ya.
EGWENE’S PERSONAL DIARY - PART 1
Aine 7
Oh no…Winternight is tomorrow! That means Rand is coming! Ugh, wonder what pick-up lines he’ll try this year? Better not be that damn “If you were a booger I’d pick you first” again. Does it every year.
Aine 8
Dude, some freaky monsters crashed our party! So unfair! They came and burned down some houses, ravaged through the streets making an awful racket, and they RUINED MY MAKE-UP! It took me all DAY to get it just right! They’ll pay, oh yes, they will…
Aine 9
I’m a hero! That creepy Aes Sedai Moiraine tried to kidnap Rand, Mat and Perrin, but I stopped her! Hahah! Go me!
Ok, I lied, she just took me along as well. But I got to ride Bela! Rand didn’t notice me pick up a rock before playing bloody knuckles over her. What. An. Idiot.
Ooh! And Moiraine Sedai told me I can channel! I am, like, soooo ecstatic! She even gave me a lesson! I’m not sure why I had to get naked, but her touches felt nice.
Aine 10
Finally got to reapply make-up. Still going to make those tards pay, though. Moiraine promised me another lesson tonight. Something about “opening self up”.
(Later… )
Well, I opened myself up to Moiraine, and she touched me with her power. Does the power always reside on fingertips and the tips of tongues?
Aine 11
Moiraine showed me an angreal! She even let me use it! It is so totally wicked!
Funny thing, it looks exactly like that thing Rand has, and what he says all males have. Only this is bigger than Rand’s. Much much bigger. Like, thrice as big or more. Probably a full 6 inches. Moiraine promises a sa’angreal one day soon. Says it is even bigger, I just had to, y’know, start small.
Tried angreal on Bela. Never knew horses could neigh like that.
Aine 12
Made an important decision today: unbraided my hair. Moiraine assures me it helps bring out my beautiful complexion. But I need to find a hair salon to fix it up first.
Rand hates it. Like I care. The older women always said all he wants is to get a piece of me, and then he’ll leave me and never talk to me again. Tried to give him a fingernail, but it didn’t work: he still talks to me.
Aine 13
Moiraine informs me someone is after those three boys. Like, who would want them? Probably some pervy child molester.
Bela is, like, begging for the angreal, I think. Didn’t have it, so substituted with fingers.
Aine 14
Moiraine talked to me today. Told me all about this “channeling”, and “dragons” and “girl power” and “white power” and “flower power”. Is she, like, a feminist, racist hippie, or something?
Aine 15
Ooh, pretty city! Love it!
Couldn’t find any hair salons though. Bunch of uncivilized savages. Barbarians, one and all.
Bela sad cooped up in stables. No finger massage for her.
Aine 16
Nynaeve popped in for a spot of tea, then decided to stay and chat. Tracked us down, apparently. Got mad at my hair, told me it was totally out of fashion, what would the Women’s Circle think, blah blah blah. Moiraine calmed her down by giving her power lesson.
Boys came back from night on town. They had lit it up and burnt it down.
Idiots. Now we have to flee again.
Nice rhyme I made, though
Why does Rand keep, like, winking at Lan?
Aine 17
Saw Lan and Rand off in bushes. Like, total ick.
Tried to gouge eyes out.
Is that what boys always do?
Aine 18
Saw them again. Why does Rand keep leading Lan on like this? He’s so totally going to break the poor man’s heart one day.
Substituted fingers for tongue on Bela. Seemed to enjoy it more. Can’t wait until I have power in fingers and tongue too. Bela would totally love that.
Aine 19
Those damn monsters attacked us again! Moiraine made us hide in some city. Boys went off, came back whining about some evil old man chasing them. Crybabies.
Moiraine made us run off AGAIN! NEVER going to get make-up straight or hair right!
Got separated. Stuck with Perrin. Ugh. Does he ever wash his hair? Even swimming through that river did nothing for it!
Plus side- Bela made it across river too! Yay!
Extra plus side- Blackberry bubble bath made it across river too! Double yay!
Aine 20
Lost in woods. Wah. Bela warming me at night, at least.
Tried to channel fire. Totally did not work out. Set fire to woods. Remember to tell no one, or else I’ll have Greenpeace on my ass.
Aine 21
Met up with Perrin again. He asked about fire. Said nothing. Might be Greenpeace spy.
Still hasn’t washed hair. Yuck, so greasy. Tempted to wash and braid it during night. Think he would look sexy in braids. Would spit bath work?
Aine 22
Perrin says we should head towards some big city in the east. In other words, wander around in circles until Moiraine finds us. Fine by me. Long as he doesn’t try to hit on me. Greasy hair big turn off.
Talking about fire again. Totally a Greenpeace spy. So what if it’s blazing out of control and destroying the woods behind us?
Aine 23
Met some strange old man who could “talk to the wolves”. Tried to encourage him to visit his psychiatrist. Says he and his wolves are the Fang Gang, the terror of the woods. That would explain the leather jackets on all of them. All of them have silly names like Hopper, Burn, and Eatyouup. Wolfman trying to get Perrin to join gang. Horrible, corrupting poohead.
Bela becoming, like, dependant on nightly massages. Must try to break addiction.
Aw, who am I kidding, I am addicted just as much.
Aine 24
Wolfman leading us towards city now. Wolves all around. Perrin and Elyas having growling matches with them. Is this, like, some male I-must-be-dominant thing?
I miss my lessons with Moiraine.
Aine 25
Ugh, forest climate is soooo horrid for my complexion! Think I am developing, like, a spot on my nose.
Why do wolves keep sniffing my crotch while I sleep? Pervy beasts. Bela trying to growl to scare them off, but neigh-growls don’t sound very intimidating. Sounds more like a constipated tree frog.
Aine 26
Met some Tinkers! And they have make-up with them! And a hair stylist! And free cable! It’s like, portable civilization!
Except their fashion sense is SO tacky! The colors mismatch horribly! Tempted to try and give wagon a makeover.
Wolfman says they follow the Way of the Leaf. The Two Rivers Leaf, that is. When they saw Perrin’s axe, they told him to mellow out, take a chill pill, violence is not the answer, love and peace is and a bunch of other mushy crap.
They took away Bela! Am so lonely at night now.
Tinkers are so totally part of Greenpeace too. Bastards.
Aine 27
Asked Tinkers if they really stole pots and pans. One boy said he’d love to steal mine. Tried to tell him I had none, but he just kept winking at me and trying to slide his hand up my skirt. Why does he think I would keep my pots and pans there?
Perrin got, like, depressed and angry at that. Jealous, more like. He so totally wants me.
Aine 28
Learned awesome new dance! So totally rocked the dance floor with it! Saw Tinker boy blush watching me. Perrin too. Why do I turn everyone on?
In other news, I think I AM developing spot on nose! Am so horrified!
Adar 1
Like, major shock! Perrin starting to follow Way of Two Rivers Leaf! Saw him smoking it up behind bushes. Took the chill pill too. Tried to stop him, but think it’s too late: his eyes have turned yellow from it. Thinks he can talk to wolves now too. Must have been really high.
Tried to talk to him, but he told me to bugger off, he is tired of living by the rules. Says he wants to join the Fang Gang, because they understand and appreciate him.
Using excessive amounts of make-up to hide spot. Also wearing skimpy clothing, since its all Tinkers seem to have. Perrin says I look like a hooker. Was too mad to figure out what he meant by that.
Adar 2
Am becoming strangely attracted to Perrin. Yellow eyes big turn on. If only he washed his hair. And stopped smoking.
But also like tinker boy too. Hand felt nice, and having a pacifist husband would be heavenly bliss.
Confused about feelings. Went to Wolfman for advice. Gave me some, like, very strange counsel. Much like tinker boys search for my pots and pans. Do men just, like, want skirts? I have extras…
Adar 3
Ok, just saw something so totally wrong: Perrin and tinker boy off in bushes, doing same thing as Lan and Rand did. Ick, ick, ICK.
Went to Raen for advice. Gave same as Wolfman.
Adar 4
Went to Raen’s wife for advice too, hoping her being a woman would, like, help her help me. Gave advice different than Raen and Wolfman, but strange in its own way. Reminds me of lessons with Moiraine, except not as wrinkly. Obviously never heard of botox.
Adar 5
Left Tinkers. Miss tinker boy a little. Miss make-up and cable a LOT. At least away from drugs for Perrin, and those Greenpeace idiots. Managed to deny starting fire.
Wolfman must be ex-psychologist. Paying me to let him give advice.
Bela tried to eat Wolfman in his sleep. Is Bela, like, jealous too? Why do I turn everyone, and everything, on? Am just so hot, I guess.
Adar 6
Perrin says he has quit, but effects still present. Hoping he isn’t serious about joining Fang Gang. Wolfman has leather jacket ready for him, but Perrin still hesitant. Went to talk to him at night about it.
Adar 7
PERRIN IS SUCH A F*CKING RETARD! HE KEEPS INSULTING ME FOR NO REASON!!! I HATE HIM!!!!!
Adar 8
Ok, time of month over. Trying to find where Perrin and Wolfman and Bela were hiding, to tell them its safe.
Adar 9
Wolfman still paying to give me advice. Starting to really enjoy it. Wolves giving me advice now too! Perrin probably wishing he could give as good advice as the wolves and Wolfman. Like, as if!
Bela keeps biting at wolves now, whenever they come near me.
Adar 10
Went into some studding shop to get studded belts for Wolfman, but KKK came and kidnapped us. Seems to think we’re associated with a racist friend of theirs, but have no clue what they mean.
Wolfie friend who sniffed my crotch died! So totally sad right now :-(
Wolfman escaped, leaving me and Perrin to be captured. Like, total bastard, leaving us like that. Going to miss his advice though.
But gee, I wasn’t expecting the Amadician Inquisition.
Adar 11
Still stuck with KKK. Trying to torture me into admitting I am associated with whoever it is they want. Techniques totally not working. Unbeknownst to them I LIKE mushy soap operas.
Afraid Perrin might be giving in though. Never was the biggest fan of “Turnings of our Lives” back home.
Adar 12
Still stuck with KKK. Switched torture techniques to forcing us to listen to Kenny G. for hours on end. Haha, suckers. All Two Rivers people are like totally obsessed with Kenny G. Guess being behind the times pays off.
But having no Bela starting to wear on me.
Adar 13
Was that swarm of meteors last night directed at me?
Adar 14
Oh. My. God. THEY HIT ME! Those damn KKK people beat me and Perrin up! Grr. So f*cking mad right now! Totally ruined my make-up! And my complexion will take weeks to return to normal! And my hair! It is so totally RUINED!
THOSE BASTARDS ARE GOING TO PAY!!!! >:-(
Adar 15
I’ve changed my mind. The KKK rock! They are like so totally f*cking awesome! I can’t wait until we experience their next torture machine!
Adar 16
Ok, they’ve seen my diary, and have decided not to confiscate it. Whew, that was a close one.
Adar 17
Found a mysterious note on my pillow. Said if I wanted to taste freedom I must go to the picket lines and meet someone tonight.
(later… )
Tasted freedom. Much like chocolate, in fact. Why they named their new ice cream “Freedom” and are trying to advertise it in secrecy is a total mystery to me. Stupid Andoran Marketing Society.
Adar 18
Asked what a dome of truth was. One Klan member showed me. Apparently I have a dome of truth too! Does this mean I can, like, torture people with it?
Adar 19
Ok, you know what would, like, be really really good right now? A scented bubble bath. Blackberry scented. But will I get one? Nooo. And why? Because PERRIN USED IT ALL UP!!! He even invited some of the KKK guys to join him! They were all having a great time, having bubble fights, and I was stuck in my smelly old clothes, dirt everywhere on me. Although I don’t understand why they had to suck one another’s toes.
Mollified only a little in that Perrin’s hair is finally washed. But whenever he walks past I smell blackberry, and I come close to strangling him.
Adar 20
Got another note about meeting at picket lines for freedom. Hah, so not falling for that again! Do they think I am, like, stupid or something?
(later… )
Ok, so this one was real. How was I to know? Lan should have been a little nicer when dragging me out of my tent half-naked.
Adar 21
Is it just me, or is Nynaeve, like, possessive of Lan now? I tried to thank him for rescuing me, and she bitch-slapped me. Said to keep my hands to myself. Bitch.
Finally got Bela back. Gave her massage with my dome of truth.
Adar 22
Oh my god, Nynaeve apologized! So totally…weird! And she promised to teach me the secret of the sniff too. Says I am a natural at it. So totally awesome.
But Moiraine says no more lessons until I reach the tower. Wah.
Adar 23
Entered big city. Moiraine took us to some inn, took a couple drinks, then led us to another, and Rand and Mat were there. Damnit, stuck with those idiots again. Rand said he screwed the whole Royal Palace single-handedly. Probably just one of his fantasies again. Like that one about me actually liking him, or how that girl in Baerlon has the hots for him, or how he’s going to end up saving the world one day. Probably thinks he can, like, channel, too!
Nynaeve teaching me to sniff! Says I am so advanced already. Suggested using some, like, special stuff to help me sniff better. Looks like sugar. How does sniffing sugar help?
Adar 24
Going through some underground railroad. Passed a few, like, Darkfriends I think they’re called, along the way. Fleeing from slavery or something.
Hard to massage Bela in darkness. Not even sure if that WAS Bela.
Adar 25
Chased out of underground place after Rand farted. He denies, it of course, but we all so totally know it was him.
Got to some castle. Pointy towers turning me on. Lots of weird people there, immune to cold. Top knots big turn on. So coy too. Won’t come into my apartments. Well, two can play hard-to-get. I’ll just hide his toothbrush in my room, then he’ll have to come and get it! Ooh, I am such a badass.
Adar 26
Aw, crap, we left. Just as I was sure he was about to break, too.
Adar 27
Went to some meadow where a tree started blabbering gibberish to us. Thought I was hallucinating or something, but everyone else saw it too. But then a pair of, like, anti-Greenpeace old guys came along and cut poor old tree dude down. Rand got real mad at that (he must be Greenpeace too, the bastard) and went off somewhere to kick their asses. Came back jabbering about how he killed the Dark One. Must be hallucinating: is it even possible to be a Racist Treehugger?
Went to the souvenir shop afterwards and bought a few things. Horn, flag, disc…why the hell did Moiraine waste her money on those things? The disc can’t even play music!
Although, I like the horn. It has some, like, writing on the side. Mat says it says “blow me and they will come”.
Adar 28
Ugh, so cold. Bela warming me at night, but not enough. Asked Lan if he could warm me. Nynaeve got all possessive again. Stupid b*tch.
Saven 1
Got back to castle. Asked for something warm to wear, and they gave me, like, a t-shirt. Very sexy t-shirt, but still, what the f*ck?
Saven 2
Wearing sexy t-shirt. Freezing cold, but so totally hot. Rand, like, stiff looking at me, and not with cold. Told me it was not proper, to take it off. Like, what kind of pick-up line was that? Asked him, but he just blew his top and yelled at me, even insulted me. Ok, that is like, so going too far. Going to get revenge on him.
Saven 3
Hehehe, stole his dairy and read it. Take that, you bastard.
Wow, he sure lies a lot.
Saven 4
E
Saven 5
G
Saven 6
W
Saven 7
E
Saven 8
N
Saven 9
E
Saven 10
Saven 11
S
Saven 12
U
Saven 13
C
Saven 14
K
Saven 15
S
Saven 16
!!!!!!!!!!
Saven 17
Bloody stupid f*cking RETARD!!! He stole my diary, I know he did! Grr, I am SO going to get him back for that! Especially for writing that in there!
Saven 18
Peddler from Emond’s Field in the prison. Going to go cheer him up, despite warnings he is, like, insanely wild.
Saven 19
Wow, he IS wild! Wilder than Wolfman, or Raen, or wolves, or, like, anyone! So going to go back every night now. Maybe take Rand along, if he is nice to me.
Saven 20
Ugh, found diary covered in some sort of marshmallow cream thing. Yuck, so gross! Going to need new one now.