And for those wanting Mat's or Nynaeve's, I wasn't in a dirty or b**chy enough mood to write either one
Egwene's is linked at the bottom, and Rand's is linked to that, for any who want to go back and read them.
Rating is still pg-15 -ish. Swearing, mature content etc.
Enjoy.
LAN’S PERSONAL DIARY - PART 1
Aine 6
Mistress Moiraine says we’re going on vacation! Yay! Don’t get out enough anymore.
Gotta go pack now. Wonder where we’re going? Better pack for all occasions.
Aine 7
Aw poo, going to some stupid little village. Horrible vacation spot. Recommended Tremalking, but Mistress Moiraine wouldn’t hear of it. Says country air will do me good. Guess Hawaiian shirts will be useless now.
Aine 8
Got to village. Good God, does the word “civilization” have any meaning here? Not even free cable! Savages.
(Later… )
Hah, Trollocs attacked, but I showed them. Killed: too many to count. Booyah! I am such a bad-ass.
Myrddraal in charge looked awfully familiar. Maybe I’ve dated him before?
Aine 9
Aw man, just as I got settled we had to leave again. And we have to bring along some stupid boys, a snobbish girl, and an old geezer who says he can eat fire. Hah, I’d like to see him try.
Small consolation: one of the boys kind of cute.
Aine 10
Taught boys how to handle their weapons. Silly boys brought along swords.
Taught cute one how to shoot properly. He’s natural at it – very little splattering! Must have had experience before. Offered to let him use my archery range, but he refused.
Wasn’t subtle enough, I guess.
Wah. Feel pout coming on.
Aine 11
Tried to sneak into cute one’s bedroll. Kicked me out. Told me he didn’t swing that way. Tried to rock him to sleep. Said he preferred the kind who wore dresses.
Aine 12
Tried on Mistress Moiraine’s dresses. Think I look better in the sky blue one, although the dark green one brings out my eyes more.
Am so going to get cute one now.
Aine 13
Rejected again. Said sky blue is so not my colour. Wah. Am pouting now.
Aine 14
Cute one dared me to pretend I’m after redhead. Against honour to refuse a dare.
Wonder if waxing bottom of cute one’s boots will make him fall into my arms more?
Aine 15
Got to small city. Village boys gawked. Said it was so big. Told cute one I could show him something bigger. Kicked me hard. Never knew my voice could go so high.
So mad. Got back to find boys and Gleeman took bubble bath together. So unfair. Consoling self by making play for redhead. Mistress Moiraine told me it was uncouth. Suspect she wants him herself.
Aine 16
Boys went off into city. Tried to explain I could give them what they want for free, but they insisted on finding their own. Big shaggy one stayed behind. Said he was sick. Offered to give him special Borderland medicine. Heh, can’t believe he fell for that one. Oldest trick in the book.
Village girl apparently followed my tracks. Told her that was impossible. Claimed she followed white cream on all the rocks. Noooo idea what she means.
Tried on dresses again. Shaggy said I looked good in sky blue. Hah! Totally agree.
Had to leave town. Stupid Trollocs attacked. Killed: 4. Am such a bad-ass.
Knew it, I *have* dated Myrddraal. Disastrous date though. Must be after revenge. Always did hold a grudge too long.
Suspect Gleeman gay for Redhead. Stupid Gleeman.
Aine 17
Redhead coming onto me now. Ick. Never knew bushes could be used like that. Must be village thing. Cutie told me to keep it up anyways. Shaggy consoled me later. Very gentle for size. Showed him my Heron sword. Said he never knew Heron’s were branded on swords. Silly uneducated boy.
Aine 18
Why does Wisdom girl from village keep looking at me like that? Must be my rugged manliness.
Redhead showed me bush trick again. Starting to grow on me. Must be my rugged manliness.
Damn I’m hot.
Aine 19
Stupid Trollocs after us again. Myrddraal very persistant. Tried to explain to him it wouldn’t have worked out anyways. Just swung sword at me. Told him not in front of the boys. Flashy blue lightening big turn on, but still. Sent Trollocs after us. Chased us into old city. Found another bad date I had. Chased us out of city again.
Starting to suspect I haven’t been best boyfriend in the world all these years. Suggested such to Mistress Moiraine. She dropped to her knees and started shouting “Hallelujah, he sees the light!”
Of course I see the Light. Not a Darkfriend after all.
Trollocs killed: 16. Such a bad-ass.
Aine 20
Got separated. Lost Redhead and Cutie. Yay, but wah. Lost Shaggy as well. Feel pout coming on.
Stupid wisdom girl found us. Bitch. Interrupted time alone with Mistress Moiraine.
Girl all mad that she can channel. Doesn’t realize the potential it holds.
Staring at me strangely again. Must be effects of channeling. Just like how she tracked me – channeling led her right to white cream staining the rocks.
Aine 21
Aw poo, big long journey ahead of us. Warders Union never did get agreements signed about this sort of stuff, did they? Knew we never should’ve put Elyas in charge of that. Where is the old bugger anyway? Probably scampered, the coward. Wolves my ass. My *bad* ass.
Heh, am such a bad-ass
Aine 22
Whiny girl’s dresses too small. Stretched one way out of shape. Tried to act innocent, but think she suspects me. Keeps watching me, especially at night.
Aine 23
Woah, big forest fire. Wonder who started that? Probably some silly village girl who just learned she can channel. Haha, stupid girl.
Aine 24
Wow, bitchy girl knows bush trick too! Village must be cesspool of corruption. Does it so much better than Redhead, though. I can still feel those twigs running over my…
Er…what?
Aine 25
Found nest of baby rabbits dying in the cold. Three in all, each took one.
Aine 26
Skinned mine and ate it. Such a bad-ass
Aine 27
Whiny girl crying over spilt milk. Apparently tried to breast-feed rabbit, but it bit her nipple right off. Screams deafened me, shattered glass, and woke some guy from a 25-year coma in a nearby village.
Tried to console her, but realized too late “Find the Rabbit” wasn’t the best trick for the job. Still numb down there.
Aine 28
Mistress Moiraine punishing me for eating her rabbit too. Got little suspicious when “washing the dishes” punishment became “smoothing her dresses”, which became “massaging her back” which became “dancing nude on the fence”.
Adar 1
Had to Clean the Rabbit Hole today for Ninny. Very educational.
Adar 2
A killer rabbit attacked us! It was the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on! It had huge, sharp-- eh-- it could leap about like-- look at the bones!
Wondering what is up with all these damn rabbits.
Adar 3
Discovering artistic talent. Here’s example (killer rabbit from yesterday)
(\_/ )
(O.o)
(> < )
Look at how fearsome he is!
Damn, I’m such a bad-ass drawer.
Wait a sec…
Adar 4
More drawings!
_________________________
_______||_________________
_O#####]]>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>_
_______||_________________
_________________________
There’s my kick-ass sword. Damn I’m good.
Adar 5
Got to sparkly bleachy white city. Constant bright shining white creates awesome shadows on my face, makes me look spooky and mysterious. Don’t understand why townsfolk calling me “Strider’ though.
Dropped favourite hanky in river. Wah.
Adar 6
What WAS that squirrel doing last night?
Adar 7
Damn, is everyone around here farmers?
Chickens spotted: 138
Cows spotted: 67
Pigs spotted: 45
Pretty farmgirls spotted: 19
Illegal slaves spotted: 15
Adar 8
Squirrel is back! Has very sharp teeth. Still bleeding. Tried to tell whiny girl men don’t get times of month, but she was too busy trying to find a way to laugh and sniff at the same time. Gonna blow a gasket.
Adar 9
Learned bitchy girls name: Ninny.
Must be short for nincompoop.
Oh, scorched!
Adar 10
Ninny is a poo-poo head! Ninny is a poo-poo head!
Heeheeheeheehee
Such a bad-ass
Adar 11
Stupid squirrel.
Adar 12
Heed my message squirrel! First I’m gonna get you, then I’m gonna eat you!
Grr.
Adar 13
Stupid bugs are everywhere! Damn mosquitoes giving me bumps all over body, including sensitive areas. Hard not to scratch in front of others.
Adar 14
Got attacked by villagers. Mob was SO clichéd. Pitchforks and torches, psht.
Villagers killed: 7
Mosquitoes killed: 54
Squirrels killed: 0
Am such a bad ass
Adar 15
LEAVE ME ALONE YOU BLOODY FLAMING SQUIRREL!!!!!
Adar 16
Ninny becoming obsessed with my Malkieri Ring. Keeps asking to see it. Decided to show her tonight
(later… )
Never knew rings could be used like that. Very educational these village girls are.
Kept getting stuck though. Need to invent lubricant of some kind.
Adar 17
Better watch out squirrel! Squirrel trap all set, waiting to catch ya! You won’t escape me this time!
Adar 18
Note to self: next time, set trap AWAY from certain areas.
Plus side: No need to waste money on life insurance for children anymore.
Adar 19
Nyyuuuuunnggh…Pain. Pain!!! Waaaahaaahaaa!!!
Worse than when Mistress Moiraine used bond to tickle me nonstop for three days.
Adar 20
Caught up to Shaggy! Yay!
Caught up to other stupid whiny girl too. Damn.
Had to drag her from her bed half naked, after kicking out the Whitecloak hiding under the covers.
Stupid Whitecloak.
Adar 21
Attempt to dump stupid slut back to Whitecloaks foiled by Mistress Moiraine.
Stupid Moiraine
Adar 22
Can’t wait to get to city. Tired of roughin’ it out here. Note to self: never sign up for Survivor: Andor. Not *that* bad-ass.
Adar 23
Cute one is back! YAYAYAYAY!!!!!
But doesn’t seem interested in me. So possessive about something. Dagger my ass, probably found new boyfriend.
Mistress Moiraine said he was tainted by some evil. Said only she could cure it. Why curing involved taking off his clothes and sucking on his fingers is beyond me. Must be special Healing technique. Don’t see what bubble bath with her will do to help either.
Adar 24
Going through Ways. Dark place. Full of evil. Also very hard to see. Never know just who is groping you. Plus side: no one knows it is you groping them either.
Although…don’t know who you are groping either.
I *think* that was Cute one…
Adar 25
Bugger. Back home. I hate the cold. Exactly why I left in the first place.
Cute one obviously never been here. Doesn’t believe body heat best for warming up.
Unless it was the other things I mentioned that turned him away.
Must remember to be more subtle next time.
Adar 26
Dammit, going into Blight. So c-c-cold! Need body heat.
Will have to settle for Ninny.
Adar 27
Lost 50 Andoran Crowns to Mistress Moiraine over who the chosen one was. Still think it should have been Cute one. Much much hotter than Redhead. Also not as stupid or slow.
Haha, no one picked Shaggy!
In other minor news: last Nym dead, Horn of Valere found, seal broken, and Dragon Banner revealed.
Adar 28
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! SQUIRREL FOUND ME!!!!!!
Suicide attempt failed after slits in wrist froze and prevented blood loss
Saven 1
Hahah! Squirrel can’t find me inside Keep!
Decided to teach Redhead sword fighting. Natural at it. Already learned several swordforms like Heron Wading in the Rushes, Cat Crosses the Courtyard, and Python Slithers between Two Rocks.
Saven 2
Heard rumours of dairy-stealer lurking about. Better not try to steal mine.
Saven 3
Put diary in maximum security lock box complete with wards. No one gonna steal mine now!
Saven 4
Saven 5
Saven 6
Saven 7
Saven 8
Saven 9
Saven 10
Saven 11
Saven 12
Saven 13
Saven 14
Saven 15
Saven 16
Saven 17
GODAMMIT!!!!!
Saven 18
Gonna kick thief’s ass back to the Age of Legends
Am such a bad-ass
Saven 19
Think something is living in my ceiling. Suspect its squirrel after what happened last night. Bushy tail kind of a tip-off.
Dammit, thief tore out rest of pages. Need new one. Hope ‘The Blight’ is still open for business.