MAT'S PERSONAL DIARY - PART 1
Aine 7
Met men dressed all in black. Very creepy looking. Tried to sell me drugs, but refused him. I only pick up my goods from Peddlers.
Winternight tomorrow! Have pranking supplies all ready: 11 mouldy apples, 9 jars of dirt, 7 stale honeycakes, 5 bags of wheat flour, 4 containers of laxative, 3 jars of bugs, 2 pigeons, and a badger.
Aine 8
Used up half my supplies by the time Rand came into town. Tam staggering drunk, as usual. Rand mentioned something about a fork and a video, but was too busy pretending to tell me off for the badger prank to explain further. As soon as Tam went inside the fool switched his tune and asks for a turn. Told him to ease his own badger. Mumbled something about marshmallow cream. Wonder if he got into apple brandy too.
Got a coin from strange woman. Was taught never to take stuff from strangers, so used coin to buy x-ray glasses off of Elam. Think I got the better deal. Can’t wait to try them out on someone.
Also met Gleeman. Says his name is Thom Bombadillo, although could’ve been Thom Bomb-my-dildo. Need to get hearing checked.
Uh oh, by the screams I think Nynaeve took a sip of her drink. Hopefully she doesn’t warn the Council before they take their brandy. Would be a waste of laxative
(later… )
Some bastards burnt my house down! A little extreme, but if they want to prank against me, they’ll pay for it. The war is on!
Rest of village mad at prankers too. Happy to see such show of support for my cause. Tried to take advantage of this by yelling to follow me and charging at them to drive them away. Started to work until I began giving orders to flank them and get a shield of crossbowman up while the cavalry cut down the rearguard, all in another language, according to Perrin. Villagers looked at me a little wierdly after that. Stupid buggers.
Aine 9
Stupid X-ray glasses aren’t working. Couldn’t see anything when looking at Egwene. Maybe don’t work in direct sunlight? Stupid glasses.
In other news, Rand’s father dying.
(later… )
Turns out woman with coins is Aes Sedai and her boyfriend is her Warder. Also turns out either me, Rand or Perrin is destined to save world or something. Hopefully not me. Don’t think people of world would appreciate having a leader more dashing, charming, prank-loving, godly, and all around awesome than themselves. Abundant jealousy is not pleasant to behold. I’ve learned the hard way throughout my life. It’s not my fault I’m beautiful!
Left Emond’s Field with Aes Sedai, Warder, Rand, and Perrin. Just feeling sad that x-ray glasses will be mostly useless for awhile when Egwene decides to come along too.
Just feeling happy that everyone is young and somewhat good-looking when Gleeman shows up.
Stupid Gleeman.
Rand brought me along to watch Aes Sedai and Egwene roll around together. Thought X-ray glasses were finally working until realized the two were already naked. Cheap products. Good spectacle, all the same.
Is Warder coming on to me?
Aine 10
When Egwene and Aes Sedai left during a stop on the journey, everyone starting talking about last nights show. Apparently everyone watched those two “open themselves to the power”.
Warder definitely trying to come on to me. Says his name is Lan, “but you can call me sexy” Mandragoran. Offered to help me “open up to the power” but don’t think I want his fingers up my arse.
Aine 11
Lan tried to sneak into my bedroll. Kicked him out, and informed him I prefer women. He just winked and slunk off.
Am very frightened right now. Don’t want to end up like Rand. The slut.
Aine 12
X-ray glasses still not working, so sold them to Perrin.
Starting to miss my badgers.
Hopefully pranksters catch up to us. Am so ready for them.
Aine 13
...Lan...in drag...is a very, very, scary image.
Trying to gouge eyes out, but keep getting image of man with eyes of flame cheering me on. Very peculiar. What does he mean by “Yeah, go on and fulfill the prophecy, you twerp!”?
Aine 14
Another Moiraine/Egwene show lined up for tonight. Lan says one freebie is enough, now we have to pay to see. But then winked at me and said I could go for free. Others snickered as I flushed red. Lan said red looked good on me, and grabbed my ass as I hurried on to get a good seat.
Others shouldn’t laugh. THEY don’t have a gay warder hitting on them.
Hmm…have idea…
Aine 15
Haha! Plan worked! Got Lan to hit on Rand! Told him if he wanted me, he had to prove himself worthy. Proceeded to tell him hitting on someone else for a change would show me he cared. Love blinded his eyes to the obscurity of the idea.
Hehe, they fall for it every time…
Got to big city, tried to take bubble bath, but Rand and Thom kept splashing me. Stupid buggers. Used up all the shampoo.
Aine 16
Went out on the town with Rand. Found my old dealer from Emond’s Field on a street corner, but Rand scared him off before I could buy anything. Looked for a badger, but apparently not the right season for stores to carry them. Am really missing them now.
Was that Lan watching me from the rooftops? And were those my x-ray glasses in his hand?
Oh, and apparently Nynaeve followed us. Stuck with her too, dammit. Hopefully she’ll join in the shows at night, and not as a spectator, hehe.
Fled city after Moiraine mistook fire me and Rand started in a convenience store for evil stalkers. Hey, you can’t blame us - “We have the HOTTEST prices!” is not a good slogan to use with Rand and me around. They brought it upon themselves.
Roughed up some Whitecloaks too. Am such a bad-ass.
Aine 17
Lan held me pinned against with sword at throat until I admitted he was the only bad-ass among us. Sword was sharp, so agreed without pointing out being a bad-ass and being a gay freak are contradictory. Probably does not even know what contradictory means. Think big words confuse him.
Didn’t have to grab me so hard, nor in certain parts, though. Aren’t you supposed to grab them by the lapels, not the crotch?
In other news: being chased by those pranksters. Hope they catch up to us: have some awesome pranks to use on them as payback. The war is still on!...
Aine 18
Found shome Two Riversh tabac. Shtrong shtuff. Very nishe. Moiraine not very happy we ushed it all up. Shcrew Moiraine.
Hehehe, sho fun. Wheeeeeee!
Uh oh, fell over. Hee hee, look! Widdle buggies! Whoo!
Hehe, this is shmokin’! HAHA! SHMOKIN’! GET IT? HAHAHAHA!
Aine 19
Ow, hangovers hurt. Where’s some aspirin when you need it?
Prankster people caught up to us. Was just about to put the pink dye in their shampoo but Lan’s negotiation with the leader didn’t work well (bad date or something) so had to run. Hid in golden city. Found precious dagger. Oooh…shiny…
Old man came along, asking us to help him carry treasure. Being the ungreedy and unselfish person I am, I agreed. He didn’t say much, mostly just things like Oh yes our souvenir shop is just over there, yes go ahead and buy something, no not that dagger, give me back my f*cking dagger, what do you mean I don’t have a shadow, will you go out with me, grrr, argh, I don’t like rejection, die you bastards, eat eggo waffles…you know, that sort of thing.
Got back to others, but Moiraine told us to run again. Something about Lan farting, and his evil wind eating our souls. We ran, but all got separated. Thom found me and Rand, shoved us into boat. Just as we were preparing the catapult full of sewage for the pranksters who were following us, too!
Stupid Thom.
But away from Lan! Yay!
Stupid Lan.
Aine 20
Captain agreed to keep us on board. Showed us around and introduced us to the crew. Do all sailors have such funny names as Barnacle Bill, Jack Sparrow and Popeye?
Aine 21
Uuuuunnngggghhh. Always thought seasickness was just a myth.
Aine 22
Must say, colour of my vomit looks good on the captain. Too bad he didn’t think so.
I’ve now learned hanging people by their underwear from a flagpole (or masthead, for that matter) is definitely not a myth either.
Over seasickness. But now have rash on bottom. Need silk underwear – smooth, cool, and won’t chafe as much.
Aine 23
Walked in on Thom bathing. Now know what Moiraine meant by there being more dreadful things than Trollocs.
Was that Rand under the bubbles?
Aine 24
Rand performing scenes from WoT: The Musical on top of mast. Might have been more amusing if he had decided to keep his clothes on. Feel sickness returning, but don’t think it’s from the sea…
Aine 25
Rand at it again - leading sailors on as he did poor Lan.
Has such bad taste. First gay freaks, then sea-stinking men. Next he’ll be after a tavern wench, a black eyed Aiel and a princess! All at once even!
Woah, did anyone else just feel the room shake in a darkly foreshadowing way?
Aine 26
Went through Captain’s wardrobe for a lark. That man sure loves pink.
Tried some of the smaller dresses on, but have decided pink does not look good on me.
Woah, room shook in foreboding manner again
Must just be the seasickness returning.
Aine 27
Think Rand stole my teddy bear, Moogle! Suspicions based on red hair left on floor, tracks of water leading from my room to Rand, and threatening note left at scene saying “Haha I stole your teddy bear give me all your money or Moogle‘s gonna be swimming with the fishies. Sincerely Rand”.
*sniff* I miss Moogle already...
Aine 28
Searched Rand’s rooms but couldn’t find Moogle. Sailors about to throw Rand overboard when Thom found Moogle under my bed. Rand a little mad at being wrongly accused, but how was I supposed to know? Tried to apologize but Rand kept bitching at me and said he was hurt that I suspected him and was about to let him be punished yadda yadda yadda.
Sailors threw Rand overboard anyways.
Adar 1
Caught Rand trying on Captain’s dresses, but Captain found him and began giving him hell. Was just feeling satisfied when yelling stopped and went back to see Captain and Rand giggling and trying on dresses together. Matters only made worse when Thom came out of closet with a handful of panties.
Sickness returning.
Adar 2
Trio at it again today. Since no vomit left inside of me from yesterday, decided to occupy my mind with other endeavors. Found some poster-board and glitter markers. Should be fun.
(Later… )
Ok, so cross-dressing trio didn’t enjoy my artwork too much. I guess I’m not much of an artist, although it could be the fact that my poster said “Three willing whores - silver mark each!” with a crudely drawn picture, and was posted on door of Captain’s cabin.
Made a tidy profit, though, and think sailors enjoyed it – all except Jack Sparrow who ran out muttering about not deserving something, with slap marks on his cheeks and captain screaming something about owing him a boat.
Adar 3
Day going fine until night when struck an iceberg. Captain began yelling orders for lifeboats to be lowered, until sailors informed him we have none. At that he began panicking then yelled “Women and transsexuals first!” and jumped overboard. Stopped Rand from following. After that rest of us simply plugged the little hole with one of his panties and sailed safely into Whitebridge.
Adar 4
Black man stopped us on the street and began preaching about equality and injustices to his kind, then asked us to join his cause and fight for the Black Panthers. Rand got panicky at that point, and shoved Thom at the guy screaming “I’m too young to wage political war!” and running off. Decided to follow as figured there was no saving Thom now.
Adar 5
On the road again
Just can't wait to get on the road again
The life I love is makin' music with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again
On the road again
Goin' places that I've never been
Seein' things that I may never see again
And I can't wait to get on the road again.
. . .
Sigh...
Adar 6
Great, humming that tune now has Rand trying to make his own song. At least it shuts him up for a bit.
Adar 7
Discovered dagger in pocket that never realized was there. Huh. Must’ve not returned it to gift shop at Shadar Logoth like Moiraine told me to. Wonder what possessed me to keep it at the time?
Adar 8
Dagger very purdy.
Did I just say “purdy”?
Damn country folk have me talking their slang. Have to stop sleeping at farms. Under the open sky is good enough for ol’ Matrim Cauthon, yessiree.
Adar 9
When am I going to learn to keep my mouth shut and not mention my spur of the moment ideas to Rand?
Back is sore now. Think I slept on a rock. Either that or Rand just very glad to be sleeping pressed so close against me, haha.
Nah, Rand knows our relationship is only platonic.
...Right?
Adar 10
Rand says am becoming unhealthily obsessed with my dagger. Told him to screw off, and leave me and my precious alone.
Hah. Me - obsessed with material wealth. As if.
Adar 11
Dagger getting dirty so spent all day polishing it up nice. So shiny! Blinded Rand though. Ah well, his problem. Should’ve come prepared for all occasions. Llike Mistress al’Vere always said to us: “Now youse boys be careful, y’hear? Always be ready fer anythin’ – bring yer sunscreen and hats and parasols and special glasses that block light reflected off possessive daggers so as not t’ hurt yer eyes.”
Ah, lovely bit of wisdom. Lovely woman. Lovely dagger.
Daggerrrrr...
Adar 12
Rand suggested selling dagger for money, so went for his throat. Took him, three nearby farmers, and fat old man with a beard to bring me down. Bearded man told me killing the Dragon Reborn at this point would totally ruin his story and not make him a cent. Waggled finger at me so bit it off. Man just growled, muttered something about revenge with pink clothing and ducklings then disappeared in a flash of light.
Rand claims the last bit with the bearded man was probably just hallucination caused by dagger possessing me. Went for his throat again.
-Repeat-
Adar 13
Wrote a haiku (haiku=Shienaran poetry, for the uncultured)
Dagger dagger dag-
-ger dagger dagger dagger
Dagger dagger WHEE!
Considering sending it in to Royal Andoran Poetry Society. Sure to become success, maybe even national icon.
Adar 14
Got to gambling town (am assuming it’s a gambling town by the name, Four Kings). Rand announced his song is finished. Saved from hearing it (and Rand saved from having a dagger in his throat) when Black Panther friends attacked us. Called themselves White Panthers. Soon became Charred Smoking Panthers as lightening burst through roof and zapped them all to ashes.
Pretty amusing, but a little disappointed haven’t gotten to kill anyone with dagger yet. Think colour of blood will go good with shiny steel. Hmm, wonder if Rand will volunteer…
Adar 15
Wow, he did volunteer! Said it was noble thing to do.
Wonder if Andoran Red Cross jacket I bought yesterday had anything to do with it, though.
Adar 16
Rand says am going mad. Told me dagger is tainted and poisoning my mind. Stabbed him in the arm.
Bitch. No one insults my dagger and gets away with it.
Adar 17
Precioussssss! It’s mine! We found it on our birthday!
( ...Well, close enough anyway)
Precious want a wowwypop? Wowwypop vewwy yummy!
Preeecioussss…
Adar 18
Found new use for dagger. Very pleasing one too. Nights no longer cold or uneventful.
Adar 19
Mmm...Dagger.
Daaaaaggerrrrrrr
Ruby. Golden. Shiny. Toenails. Boiled Rat.
...Dagger
Adar 20
Got to big city. Has funny nickname like “’Da Big Banana” or something. Very kinky, if you ask me.
Can’t remember real name, though. Can’t remember name of country it’s in, either.
Come to think of it, can’t even remember own name.
Sh*t.
At least dagger here to comfort me.
Mmm, precious.
Adar 21
Found Royal Andoran Poetry Society building and tried to submit haiku I wrote few days ago. Guy just took one look and laughed. Got mad and insulted him, he swore back, things got a little hairy there.
Long story short, there’s a new eunuch in town. And it’s not me.
Heeheehee!
Gollum! Gollum!
Adar 22
Peddler from village paid me a visit today. Told me to stop stealing his parallel symbolism, whatever that meant. Snapped at him rabidly, and he ran off growling.
Hehehe. Pretty dagger need anything? What’s that? More blood? Blooood. Blood so fine so juicy sweet to peel the skin from the bones to rip to tear the flesh so tender so thick so tasty for the shiny steel...
Adar 23
Ok…so apparently wasn’t exactly myself the other day. Moiraine found us and diagnosed me with Evilus Shadar Logothus, a virulent disease usually found carried by rats and tainted daggers. Was forced to do a spot of quick healing on me.
Took it all with good grace until Rand smirked and muttered “I told you so” and I socked him in the face.
Adar 24
Have decided traveling through dark place with gay party not best thing to do. Turned into grope-fest not ten minutes in.
Must say, idea does appeal to me – groping everyone and everything and no one knowing it’s you, and not caring since they’re doing the same to you anyways. Just would prefer it with eight other girls.
Why oh why do clichéd fantasy warrior hero bands have to always be male dominant? Why can’t females in fantasy rise up and be strong, dominate society for once and not let anyone push them around?
And why do I have a really bad feeling I’m going to regret saying that?
Adar 25
Out of the frying pan and into the…freezer.
F*ck but it’s cold here.
...Am scared of shrinkage.
Adar 26
Following the pus-yellow dirt road to some garden. Light, so rotted and twisted and ugly here. Freaky creatures about, and even plants move. Trees kept grabbing for us. Lan enjoyed it all, which only makes me more suspicious trees know what they’re grabbing for.
Moiraine says we’ll all get Worms if we don’t hurry. Tried to tell her about new vaccine but wouldn’t listen.
Adar 27
Got to Hanging Gardens of The Blight. an amusement park located up here. Admission prices outrageous!
Not many tourists about. Must be closed season. Or maybe just location.
Jolly Green Giant in charge of place started up a chat with Moiraine. Seems very lonely. Greeted me as Hornblower, then winked and whispered he has a horn he wouldn’t mind being blown.
Yup, very lonely.
Two old farts came up and started yelling about doom and evil and closing the amusement park down if profit didn’t go up. Jolly Giant got mad at that, sat on one of them. Unfortunately stepped in nest of termites at same time. Perrin wondered if we’ll all get toothpicks as souvenirs.
Rand went off in bushes with other guy to ‘resolve their issues’. Rand came back and said he killed him. Poor old man. My grandfather went the same way, you know. Heart failed right in middle of visit to local brothel. Da said he always warned him orgasms were not meant for the elderly, but gramps never listened.
Browsed souvenir shop, but nothing much of interest besides an old horn. Has writing on side saying “Blow Me And They Will Come”.
Stupid Moiraine. So cold still, but says everyone has to make their own fire if they want to stay warm. Me and Perrin and Lan struggling with flint, but hands so numb. S’no fair, she’s cheating, she can channel. She and Egwene and Nynaeve and Rand all have theirs…
Wait...Rand?
...
Naah...