KoD spoilers - A conversation Mat and Tuon really need to have
by PseudoDragon
Warning: May not be suitable for younger audiences. Reader discretion is advised.
***
Tuon: This is an interesting experience, Toy. What is it you call it again?
Mat: Sex, Tuon, it’s called sex. And don't call me Toy.
Tuon: But that's what you are. A Toy.
Mat: Well maybe in this situation...
Tuon: ...?
Mat: Nevermind. It's call innuendo, I'll teach it to you sometime.
Tuon: Yes. Teach me. Teach me all you can.
Mat: There, you see? Now you're getting the hang of it.
Tuon: Getting the hang of what?
Mat: Just...nevermind.
Tuon: I feel something poking me. Investigate it for me, Toy.
Mat: Uh, yeah…I’ll get right on that…
Tuon: Hurry Toy, I feel it touching my pee-pee.
Mat: *sigh* Look, Tuon, there are some things I think I should tell you…
Tuon: Yes. Like how do you remember Hawkwing’s face?
Mat: Well I meant about other things, but ok. I remember his face because I have the memories of dead men in my head. To answer your next question, they’re there because they were put there by the Eelfinn, a fox-like people who grant you three wishes for a price.
Tuon: Actually my next question was “Why is there a snake in our bed?”, but ok, let’s go with yours. Don’t you know those foxy people are only a child’s tale? You know, like that one about big, scary beasts called Trollocs, or that one about a society without strange customs?
Mat: …Yeah, definitely some things I need to tell you.
Tuon: Oh dear, Toy, the snake appears to be biting you. Oh no, now it’s going after me!
Mat: Tuon, that’s not a snake, it’s…
Tuon: Don’t worry Toy, I’ll take care of it. We do have snakes in Seanchan, you know. All you have to do is grab it, like so…
Mat: Whoah!…Oh man…oohh…
Tuon: …And then squeeze it hard…
Mat: …Ooohh…ah…aaahh…
Tuon: …And then break its neck and snap off its head…
Mat: AAAAHHHHGGGHHH!!!!!
Tuon: Toy? What’s the matter? You look like you’re in pain.
Mat: *Whimpering*
Tuon: Aw, is little Toy afraid of the big bad snake?
Mat: Definitely some things to talk about…
Tuon: Heehee, your voice is all high now.
Mat: Yeah…so…
Tuon: So…
Mat: …
Tuon: …
Mat: I’m friends with the Dragon Reborn by the way.
Tuon: I see. And you told me this…why?
Mat: Random plot device, I guess.
Tuon: I see.
Mat: As another random plot device, I think I will tell you that I blew the Horn of Valere.
Tuon: You get more interesting by the minute, Toy.
Mat: Oh, you ain’t seen ‘interesting’ yet, babe.
Tuon: Babe? Another one of your derogatory slurs for me?
Mat: Derogatory slurs? What?
Tuon: Very well, Toy, I shall play this game with you.
Mat: Game? Tuon, I-
Tuon: Hah! I win again! As a reward for winning, I wish to blow your horn.
Mat: Light woman, you’re so bloody confusing! ...But at least you’re starting to pick up on that innuendo stuff.
Tuon: ‘Innuendo’? Is that Old Tongue for something?
Mat: No, but I can show you how well I can use the ‘Old Tongue’…
Tuon: Why are you winking at me? Just let me blow your horn.
Mat: Wooaah, hehe, slow down babe! We’ll get there.
Tuon: I don’t have time for any more of your games. Just let me blow your horn. You know? The Horn of Valere?
Mat: Oh…right…THAT horn…
Tuon: Yes, that horn, what did you think I meant?
Mat: Nothing...
Tuon: Well?
Mat: Yeah, see, I don’t have it with me right now.
Tuon: I see. You disappoint me, Toy.
Mat: But I do have another horn you can blow
Tuon: Do you have something in your eye?
Mat: Uh, no, why?
Tuon: You keep winking at me.
Mat: *sigh*
Tuon: Well? May I blow your other horn?
Mat: Just a minute love, I’ll "look" for it.
Tuon: Well you’re not looking very hard. All you seem to be doing is eyeing me, and – oh wait, hold on a second, that damn snake is back. Let me just take care of it…
Mat: AAAGGHH!!!!! SWEET CREATOR AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, THE PAIN!!!
*a short while later*
Tuon: Feeling better now?
Mat: Yes thank you, I am. The pain is gone now, and the bleeding has stopped.
Tuon: Good.
Mat: …
Tuon: …
Mat: Well, I guess this night is over, huh.
Tuon: Actually, it’s still dark out, but if you say so…
Mat: Well, I’ll suppose I’ll go now.
Tuon: Wait. Just one more thing.
Mat: Yes?
Tuon: Good night…Mat.
Mat: You…you called me Mat! You called me Mat!
Tuon: Yes, yes I did.
Mat: Wow…wow…
Tuon: You seem very excited about it. Very excited. And – oh look, that snake is back again. Allow me to just…
Mat: No Tuon! Don't - AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!