If you've ever read the Very Secret Diaries of LotR, you'll know what this is like. If you haven't, be warned: rating is pg-15ish. Swearing and content.
RAND'S PERSONAL DIARY - PART 1
Aine 7
Winternight tomorrow! Get to see Egwene. Practicing my pick-up lines. Trying to choose between “If you were a booger I’d pick you first” and “Did you bruise your wings when you fell from heaven?”. Leaning towards first one. Dad taste-tested apple brandy, so we’re down to 12 casks. Started with 24. Dad currently trying to pick up on a fork. Wonder if he will “spoon” with it. Can’t wait to watch. Got video tape ready this time.
Aine 8
On our way to Emond’s Field! Yay! Stiff just thinking about Egwene, and not with cold. Dad still has hangover. Stupid dad. If not for Bela we would probably be heading towards Taren Ferry. Good Bela.
Saw a strange man in a black cloak on road earlier, but he scarpered when I looked at him. Must not like being looked at. Stupid man. Told Dad, but he just mumbled something about a fork. Still haven’t mentioned the recording. Might show it to everyone else first. Dad would kill me, but would be worth it.
(Later… )
Crazy night so far. Caught Mat easing another badger. Told him off. Stupid bugger going to get caught one day. Perrin spent whole day thinking up reply to a question someone asked. Mat and I forgot question, but Perrin (eventually) came up with the answer “Large enough. Just ask your mother.” A little worried now.
Met Aes Sedai and Warder. Very cool. Got a coin from them. Only one, though, cheap bastards. Also met gleeman. Stupid gleeman insulted Nynaeve,. Got his arse whooped badly. Very fun to watch. Peddler mentioned war. Something about a dragon. What’s a dragon? A drinking flagon?
Dad making us go back to farm. Never even had chance to try a line on Egwene. Stupid Dad. Definitely going to show tape now. Take that.
(Later… )
Dad randomly pulled out sword with heron on it. It was slightly curved too. Started talking about how he bought it in Illian or something, then waved it around. Guess he drunk more apple brandy in Emond’s Field. I told him to put it back and lace up his breeches. He did so, but muttered how it would save him one day. How did he get heron tattoo on it?
At that point something crashed through our door, yelling and growling. A little frightened, but Dad sent the solicitors on their way. Door crashed open again, but this time a big weird creature leapt in. Was it Halloween, or had solicitors come back? Dad began fumbling at his laces to get out sword, telling me to get out through back door. Tried to tell him we had no back door, but he didn’t listen, and shoved me through the wall. Splinters up my nose and arse now. Very painful. Took piss in bushes, then went back in to find Dad. He had sword in hand. Told me to run. Dead trick-or-treaters laying everywhere, covered in what looks like melted marshmallows. Tasted a bit to check. Kind of tasty. Dad fainted. Wuss.
Dead solicicters had bad breath, must be selling mints. Hate mints. Decided to take Dad back to Emond’s Field, get away from mint-selling bastards, and get back to party. Took dad out in wagon and hitched up Bela. She neighed too loudly, though, so stopped and hitched her to wagon.
Dad muttered lots of things during ride. Mostly about forks, but some things about finding a babe in the snow. Very kinky mind he has. Want to find my own chick in the snow now. Egwene hopefully. Mmm, oh yeah baby.
But when got to village it was burning. Think Pyro Pete must have escaped jail again. Need to use something stronger than wheat stalks for bars, those fools. Nynny said dad going to die, but Aes Sedai saved him. Just played with sword the whole time. Found more marshmallow cream. Starting to like it.
Aine 9
Aes Sedai and Warder grabbed me and Perrin and Mat, saying they’ve come for us. More like white-coated men came for them. Crazy bastards. Egwene and gleeman tagged along. Riding north. Egwene gets to ride Bela. Note to self - next time don’t play bloody knuckles over it. Bleeding like hell.
Went across river. Crazy Aes Sedai sunk boat. Everyone barely made it ashore. Warder suggested waiting until we were across river next time. She just sniffed.
At night saw Aes Sedai talking to Egwene. Something about one power. Aes Sedai gave example, too. Why do they have to get naked and touch each other in certain spots to “open self up” to power? Women are strange. Egwene seemed to enjoy it all. Wondering if there is second power that I could use. Egwene could give examples. Have craving for marshmallow cream now.
Aine 10
Warder, Lan, teaching us how to use our weapons. Calls it “sex education”. Can now get marshmallow cream on will. Becoming addicted.
Aine 11
Do breeches make my butt look big?
Aine 12
Aes Sedai said we are going to best spot in world, White Tower. Think she is racist.
Aine 13
Aes Sedai (Moiraine) mentioned destroying us instead of having some black person get us. Racist bitch. Probably KKK.
Aine 14
Riding a horse all day is making my bottom sore. Wah.
Is Lan staring at my butt?
Aine 15
Arrived at big city. Heard news about war and some kids who bleached their coats. Punk kids. Gleeman, Thom, talked about this Dragon again. Don’t understand why there is war over a drinking flagon. Stupid people.
I swear Lan keeps glancing at my butt.
Missing home already.
Aine 16
Had dream last night. Some pumpkin headed freak tried to make me bend over. Had whip in hand. Told Perrin about it. Perrin said he had same dream. Mat too. Must have been something in the wine.
Went out on the town. Met some of those bleached coat kids, but they weren’t kids. Confused now. Also found peddler from home, but he ran off. Stupid bugger looked insane. Met some crazy girl who apparently sees visions. Told her to lay off the crack. She just sniffed.
Nynave followed us too, it seems. Moiraine gave her one power lesson too. Asked about getting one, but apparently only women can get it. Are sex changes possible?
At night some black dude came and attacked us. Moiraine must have angered him with her racist comments. Poor guy had no eyes even. Was going to give him free supper, but crazy Aes Sedai bitch killed him and ran us out of there. Definitely part of KKK.
Ran away from city. Stupid Nynaeve followed.
Why does Lan keep winking at me?
Nothing going right these days. Consoling self with marshmallow cream.
Aine 17
Asked Lan why he kept staring at my butt and winking at me. Told me he liked a man who played hard to get.
Aine 18
Lan is really scaring me now.
Aine 19
More Black rights activists attacked us. Considered handing over Moiraine to them, but they attacked me too. Stupid buggers, was only trying to help them. Fled to some haunted city. Mat found dagger. Some old man raged at us and tried to kill us.
Fog set in. Moiraine and Lan cowards, scared of a little fog. Made us run out of city. Got all split up. Thom shoved me and Mat into river, but we landed on boat deck. Well, Mat and I landed on boat deck. Thom landed on top of mast. Serves him right. Don’t know where others are. Can all burn in hell for all I care. Except Egwene.
No more Lan! Yay!
Where is this boat going?
Aine 20
Still wondering where boat is going.
Aine 21
Where is it going?
Aine 22
WHERE THE HELL IS THIS BOAT GOING!?!
Aine 23
Tried to see from top of mast, but strong wind caught me. Had to dance gaily to keep balance. Fell off in the end, barely saved myself. Everyone staring.
Aine 24.
Finally decided to just ask where boat is going. Some place with pure white buildings. More racist idiots! Stupid world.
Aine 25
Captain of boat asked me if he looked good in orange. Told him no. Threw me into river. Mat fished me out, luckily. Captain is scary when angry. But he really didn’t look good in orange. Purple is more his color.
Aine 26
Oh no, now Thom staring at my butt!
Aine 27
Stupid gay old men…
Aine 28
Last day of month! Need holiday for it. Can never have enough holidays.
Was that Thom who pinched my butt?
Adar 1
New month! Need holiday.
Hiding in cabin from Thom.
Adar 2
Woke up in middle of night with Thom standing over me breathing heavily. He smiled in an evil way and said “You’re mine now, Randy-poo”.
Putting locks on door.
Adar 3
Thom peering in through windows! Very scared now. Trying to hide under covers. Seems to only be encouraging him.
Adar 4
Finally got to racist city. Just settled in when black rights activist attacked. Tried to explain I was on his side, not Moiraine’s, but he wouldn’t listen. Thom told us to run, then battled black guy. He is racist too, it seems. Am I surrounded by racist pigs? Can’t we all just get along?
Me and Mat fled city. All alone now.
But no more Thom!!! Happy happy happy!!!
Adar 5
Mat and I going to some big city. But have to walk and sleep under bushes.
Adar 6
Are we there yet?
Adar 7
Soooo booooored….
Adar 8
Stupid farmers won’t let us sleep with them.
Adar 9
Composing song!
Adar 10
Still composing
Adar 11
Still composing
Adar 12
Still composing
Adar 13
AGH, SCREW THAT BLOODY SONG!!!
Adar 14
Ok, over that little blow up yesterday. Composing once more.
Adar 15
Some stupid little black rights activist attacked us! And what’s worse, he burned the words of my song! Now I don’t remember them! Waah!
It was called “The Song” and mentioned Tinkers. That’s all I remember
Oh well, not like anyone would ever want it, I’m sure.
Adar 16
I am gay. I have the hots for Perrin. I want him in my breeches.
Mat rocks my socks
Adar 17
Note to self- never EVER again leave diary out where Mat can find it!
Adar 18
Stupid bitchy girl attacked us in a stable. These damn black rights activists are everywhere!
Adar 19
Wow, lots of people going to big city. Wonder why?
Adar 20
Entered big city. Went to Inn, met a giant. Giant trying to get me to get stoned with him. Says innkeeper does it all the time.
Adar 21
Mat getting sick. Think it’s the dinner we had last night. Whoever heard of rat stew? Mat says rats are spies of a black person. Dammit, Mat’s racist too! Everyone is racist! At least that druggie giant isn’t racist.
Adar 22
I just had to say it, just haaaaad to say it.
Adar 23
Saw a false drinking flagon. Didn’t look much like a drinking flagon, must have been why they called him false. Was tempted to throw out a bottle and yell “It’s the True Dragon!” or something like that. Heh, who’d ever want to be a drinking flagon? Not me, I assure you!
Climbed wall to see this guy, but fell into some yard. Some hot chick started tending to me. She kept touching me places and asking if it hurt, all the while breathing heavily. Her brother was there too, and he started doing the same, until the girl told him to bugger off. Then her other brother came, did the same, then went and fetched the guards. The guards started to do the same thing, then took me to the Queen. And guess what? She and her advisors did the same! Why am I surrounded by horny people? Not that I mind too much…
Queen told me to never come back, and shooed me off, but not before some old hag told me it was all my fault. What’s my fault?
Got back to Inn, but the rest of the guys had caught up to us. Damn it, stuck with the Aes Sedai again. Perrin got new contacts. Told me it was the latest fad. Tried to find some, but the stores weren’t carrying them. Oh, and Perrin also racist! But against White people instead. Moiraine said Mat was sick. I told her no sh!t. She old me really sick. I said no sh!t. She said horribly gonna die sick. I told her holy sh!t.
Moiraine went on about traveling some evil highway, giant wants to come with us, Mat all better again (hoping no longer racist either), fell asleep in puddle of marshmallow cream.
Adar 24
to drk t se cnat rit n diry
Adar 25
We had to travel through some underground passageway, obviously for drug smugglers or something like that. Think druggie giant works for black market. Someone farted, Moiraine got really scared and ran us out of there. Must have sensitive nose or something.
Really cold here. Really really cold. Fricking freezing cold. And they’re all wearing light coats? Blast them. By them I mean the people of the castle we went to. Bunch of snooty hair dressers. Bad fashion sense. Scared of the dark too. Hehe, wusses.
According to their leader guy, Lan is some king or something. Doesn’t seem very king-like to me. Mat suggested if his face is hard of stone, what would the rest of him be like? Think Mat missing his badgers. Hasn’t eased one since Emond’s Field. Poor Mat.
Adar 26
Damnit, we’re off again. Some place with bad hygiene, I think. Getting colder. My wee-wee is numb.
Adar 27
Wow, what a day. Got to meet the Jolly Green Giant, and he showed us a big puddle, but two old guys came along and killed him. Old Jolly Green got one of ‘em though. Then the other guy started beating up my friends, so I did…something…and he exploded. Haha, stupid bugger. But somehow I ended up on a mountain or something, and there was a battle going on below. Then the head honcho of the black rights activists came along and threatened to kill my mother. Only problem was, she was already dead. But I think I killed him too. Am I turning racist?
Got back to others, told Moiraine about it, but she said it wasn’t over, and that I could channel, or some crap like that. What’s channeling?
Found some presents too. Pretty banner, sparkly horn, and some black and white disc. I tried to make a case that equality could be achieved, but Moiraine kept on being racist anyways. Damn that bitch. Probably head of KKK.
Wee-wee still numb.
Adar 28
Last day of month! Holiday!
Wee-wee still numb
Saven 1
First day of month! Holiday!
Got back to castle place.
Wee-wee still numb
Saven 2
Saven 3
Saven 4
Saven 5
Saven 6
Saven 7
Saven 8
Saven 9
Saven 10
Saven 11
Saven 12
Saven 13
Saven 14
Saven 15
Saven 16
Saven 17
Saven 18
FOUND DIARY!!!!!
Wee-wee no longer numb!
Saven 19
Lan teaching me more sword tricks. Learning lots of moves. Favourite is Heron Wading in the Rushes. Reminds me of Dad’s heron tattoo on his. Even Lan has one. Want one too. Also want yellow contacts still.
Still bloody cold.
Still bloody confusing.
Still bloody weird.
Need new diary. Almost out of space. Will start looking for one soon.
There you have it. If its well recieved I may continue on with the next part (TGH), or start other people's diaries. If you all hate it, then...you suck