A conversation between beastly spies for the Shadow.
by Shishka
They are in an anteroom at Shadow Headquarters in Shayol Ghul, waiting to give reports.
Cast of characters:
Edgar: A raven from the Borderlands.
Roland: A rat from Tar Valon.
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Edgar: Hi, I'm Edgar. What's your name?
Roland: Roland.
Edgar: Nice to meet you, Roland. Are you here to give a report, too?
Roland: Yes.
Edgar: Where are you from?
Roland: Tar Valon.
Edgar: I'm from the Borderlands, myself. What's happening in Tar Valon these days?
Roland: How should I know? It took me a year to walk here.
Edgar: You should have flown – it's much faster.
Roland: You see any wings on this body, dimwit?
Edgar: Uh, no, I guess not. So, you're here to report news that's a year old now?
Roland: Well … yes. Ishamael summoned me in my dreams. I got here as soon as I could.
Edgar: I see. … Listen buddy, there are some things you need to know.
Roland: Such as?
Edgar: Well, for starters, Ishamael died 11 months ago.
Roland: Are you sh*tting me?!? I walked all this way for nothing?
Edgar: No … the Great Lord resurrected him a few months later. He goes by "Moridin", now. And he's still the head honcho around here.
Roland: Well, that's a relief. I'd hate to think I wasted a third of my life walking here for no reason.
Edgar: Yeah, that would be a bummer.
Roland: So, did Moridin retain Ishamael's penchant for killing rats on a whim?
Edgar: Afraid so. I heard he obliterated one with the True Power during a meeting with the other Forsaken, just to show off.
Roland: Crap. Well, good thing my will's in order.
Edgar: You've got a will?
Roland: Of course. And life insurance, too. Double-indemnity, if I die of a broken back. It seemed the prudent thing to do.
Edgar: Wow, good thinking!
Roland: "Be Prepared" – that's my motto.
Edgar: I thought that was the Boy Scouts' motto …
Roland: What, they're the only ones who can use it?
Edgar: No, I suppose not. So, this news of yours – is it important?
Roland: Not particularly. I saw the Queen of Caemlyn arrive, saw some Aes Sedai heal this guy named "Mat" who I was told to keep an eye on, saw Lanfear nosing around the White Tower. Nothing too exciting.
Edgar: Good.
Roland: What do mean, "good"?
Edgar: Uh … I just mean that it's good the news isn't too important, seeing as how it's a year old and therefore probably utterly worthless.
Roland: HEY!!! It's not my fault it took me a year to get here. If they wanted more timely news, they should have come to me, the lazy bastards.
Edgar: True enough – can't argue with that.
Roland: I should think not.
(At this point, Edgar hops a little closer to Roland, and starts fussing with his beak.)
Roland: Hey, what are you doing there?
Edgar: Hmmm??? Oh, nothing, just sharpening my beak.
Roland (suspiciously): Why?
Edgar: It's dinner time – I'm starting to get hungry.
Roland (backing away): Edgar, you can't eat me – I have news to report!
Edgar (hopping closer to Roland): Utterly worthless news, as we both just agreed.
Roland (still trying to back away): Yes, well …
Edgar (hopping next to Roland): And you have life insurance …
Roland (resignedly): Me and my big mouth …. CRUNCH!!!!!