Moridin reports on the Cleansing
by Shishka
He very gingerly enters the Pit of Doom, wearing no shoes, and his feet are heavily bandaged …
Moridin (morosely): Ola, Great Lord.
GL: OLA. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FEET?
Moridin: As if you didn't know. Wooden shoes ring a bell?
GL: OH, YEAH … SO YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT THE BLISTERS, HUH?
Moridin: Unfortunately.
GL: WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVE ONE OF THE OTHERS HEAL YOU?
Moridin: I asked Graendal, Great Lord, but she said she doesn't do feet, just minds. And, I wasn't about to ask Semirhage.
GL: I DON'T BLAME YOU THERE. THAT CHICK GIVES ME THE WILLIES!
Moridin: You and me, both, Great Lord.
GL: YOU WANT ME TO TAKE A CRACK AT THEM?
Moridin: Would you? I'd be eternally grateful.
GL: SURE, I HATE TO SEE YOU SUFFERING LIKE THIS. I'LL START WITH THE LEFT ONE.
(The room turns pitch black for about 30 seconds, then brightens again.)
GL: GO AHEAD, TAKE A LOOK.
(Moridin unwraps the bandages on his left foot.)
Moridin: It didn't work – the blisters are still there. HEY!!! And now all my toenails are gone!!!
GL: OOPS, SORRY ABOUT THAT. I'VE NEVER BEEN VERY GOOD AT IMPROVING THINGS. DESTRUCTION IS MORE MY CUP OF TEA.
Moridin: Now you tell me!
GL: WELL, LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE – AT LEAST THEY'LL GROW BACK. MAYBE. ACTUALLY, YOU NEVER CAN TELL, WITH TOENAILS.
Moridin: Oh, that's just GRRREAT!!!
GL: I COULD TRY THE RIGHT ONE …
Moridin: No, no, that's OK.
GL: SUIT YOURSELF. SO, WHAT'S UP?
Moridin (takes a deep breath): al'Thor removed the Taint from saidin, Great Lord.
GL: &%$@$&!#&%!!! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? HOW DID HE DO IT?
Moridin: He used the Choedan Kal to siphon the Taint into Shadar Logoth, and the two conflicting evils annihilated each other.
GL: THAT MUST HAVE TAKEN HOURS!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HIM?
Moridin: We tried, Great Lord, but al'Thor brought other channelers there to protect him while he did the deed. We were unable to penetrate their defenses.
GL: HE MUST HAVE BROUGHT HUNDREDS, TO KEEP YOU NINE AT BAY FOR SO LONG.
Moridin: Uhh … actually …. he brought less than twenty. But, they had Callandor, and other angreal and ter'angreal with them. So I heard.
GL: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "SO YOU HEARD". YOU WEREN'T THERE?
Moridin: No, Great Lord. With my feet in this condition …
GL: YEAH, YEAH. STILL, EIGHT OF YOU …
Moridin: Seven, Great Lord. Mesaana wasn't there, either.
GL: WHY THE HELL NOT?
Moridin: She claims she was washing her hair, Great Lord.
GL: WELL, I HOPE SHE'S FEELING PRETTY NOW, BECAUSE AFTER I'M DONE WITH HER …
Moridin: "After you're done with her …", what?
GL: SHE WON'T BE, MORON.
Moridin: Oh.
GL: SO, WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME IS, SEVEN OF MY CHOSEN – SOME OF THE MOST POWERFUL CHANNELERS IN THE AGE OF LEGNEDS – COULDN'T HANDLE LESS THAN TWENTY PEASANT CHANNELERS WITH A FEW TRINKETS? THE CREATOR HELP ME, I'M SURROUNDED BY IMCOMPETENT BOOBS!!!
Moridin: Well … we were able to kill two of them. That's something.
GL: YEAH, AND LOST OSAN'GAR IN THE PROCESS, APPARENTLY. HE'S DEAD, YOU KNOW.
Moridin: He is? I wondered what happened to him. Did you catch his soul?
GL: YES.
Moridin: Will you be resurrecting him again?
GL: WHY BOTHER. IF I DO, WITH MY LUCK HE'LL JUST SLIP ON A BANANA PEAL AND BREAK HIS NECK IN THE FALL.
Moridin: Good point.
GL: OH WELL, WHAT'S DONE IS DONE, I SUPPOSE. AT LEAST THE DAY OF RETURN APPROACHES, AND I WON'T NEED YOU WORTHLESS DUNG-BEETLES ANY LONGER.
Moridin: That's the spirit, Great Lord.
GL: SPEAKING OF WHICH … WHILE I'M DESTABLIZING THE PATTERN, MAKING GHOSTS APPEAR, STRENGTHENING VERMIN, AND SO ON, I WANT YOU TO RECOVER THE REMAINING SEALS. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THAT?
Moridin: I will not let you down, Great Lord.
GL: SEE THAT YOU DON'T, OR YOU'LL BE SPENDING THE REST OF THIS LIFE AS A PRACTICE PATIENT AT THE CAEMLYN SCHOOL OF PROCTOLOGY. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
Moridin: *Shudders* Yes Great Lord.
GL: GOOD. YOU'RE DISMISSED.
Moridin: I don't suppose …
GL: NO!!!
Moridin: But, I don't have any shoes!
GL: YOU CAN BORROW SOME FROM SHAIDAR HARAN. I THINK HE LEFT A PAIR OF HUSHPUPPIES OVER THERE IN THE CORNER.
(Moridin limps over to the corner.)
Moridin: I can't wear these – they're size 28 quadruple E's! I have water skis smaller than this!
GL: YEAH, SH DOES HAVE SOME BIG FEET – I'D FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT. YOU SHOULD SMELL THEM WHEN THEY GET SWEATY, TOO – WHOO, DOGGY!!!
Moridin: What am I supposed to do, then?
GL: I COULD HAVE SHAIDAR HARAN CARRY YOU OUT.
Moridin: No, forget it, I'll walk. I have to maintain some dignity. Limp, limp, limp ...