Mat needs Healing, after the Last Battle ...
by Shishka
(Editor's Note: Warning - this post has been rated "PG-13" by the WMAA (Wotmania Association of America). Ratings outside of the US are being managed by each nation's wotmania administrative body individually, and are still under deliberation.)
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Setting: Mat has just entered Rand's apartments in Caemlyn, shortly after the culmination of the Last Battle, and victory at Shayol Ghul.
Mat: Rand, I need your help.
Rand: What is it, Mat?
Mat: During the Last Battle, I was hit in the ... groin ... by a stray fireball. It was a glancing blow, but I'm in desperate need of Healing.
Rand: Whoa, that's a bummer. What rotten timing for your ta'veren luck to abandon you.
Mat: No kidding! So, can you help me?
Rand: Well, see, the thing is ... I could Heal you partially, but in order to be fully Healed, you need to be Healed by a woman.
Mat: What?!? Are you crazy? I can't ask a woman to Heal me!!!
Rand: Don't blame me, Mat, I don't make the rules. It's just the way things are. I suggest asking Nynaeve.
Mat: Oh man, she's the last person I want to see about this! I'd never hear the end of it!
Rand: Look at this way, Mat. Isn't 15 minutes of embarrassment worth a lifetime of ... well, you know. Nynaeve is the best there is.
Mat: *sighs* I suppose you're right ...
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(Later, Mat approaches Nynaeve's apartments, and knocks on the door.)
Nynaeve: Who is it?
Mat: It's me, Mat. Can I come in and talk to you?
Nyaneve: Sure, come in Matrim.
(Mat enters the room.)
Nynaeve: What can I do for you?
Mat: Nynaeve, I need Healing.
Nynaeve: You look fine to me.
Mat: You think I'd come here if I wasn't hurt?
Nynaeve: OK, OK. So, where are you injured?
Mat: Umm ... my, ah ... tallywacker. I was hit by a stray fireball during the fighting.
Nynaeve: Huh? What's a "tallywacker"?
Mat (plaintively): Nynaeve, please don't make me explain further. This is hard enough as it is.
Nynaeve: Matrim, I can't help you if you don't explain yourself clearly.
Mat (sighing deeply): My penis, Nynaeve. The fireball hit my penis.
Nynaeve: Ah, I see. "Tallywacker"???
Mat: It's a euphemism, Nynaeve.
Nynaeve: Yes, Matrim, I figured that out. It's just that Lan calls ... well, never mind about that. I suppose there is more than one euphemism for ... that.
Mat: Hundreds, actually. But, I am NOT making you a list!!!!
Nynaeve: I wouldn't dream of asking, Matrim.
Mat: GOOD!
Nynaeve: Well, let's take a look, shall we?
(Mat very reluctantly drops his trousers and small clothes).
(Editor's Note: The author shows remarkable restraint in refraining from making a puerile joke, here ...)
Nynaeve: That doesn't look so bad. I think I can fix you up.
(Nynaeve does her thing.)
Nynaeve: OK, all finished. Go ahead and take a look.
(Editor's Note: ... but, unfortunately, not here.)
Mat: Wow, good work, Nynaeve. That's much better. HEY!!! I think you've made it ... bigger than it was.
Nynaeve: Yes, well, I've always had a soft spot for Emond's Fielder boys. Besides, as the Westlands ambassador to the Seanchan, you need to be suitably impressive. I figured this couldn't hurt.
Mat: Well, whatever the reason, I sure appreciate it, Nynaeve. Thank you!
Nynaeve: You're quite welcome, Matrim. I can only imagine how difficult it was approaching me about this. Speaking of which ... why didn't you ask Rand?
Mat: I did! He said that in order to be fully Healed, a woman needed to do it.
Nynaeve: *snorts* Matrim, Matrim ...
Mat: What?
Nynaeve: What Rand told you is only true when Healing a person who's been stilled. Healing mundane physiological injuries can be handled equally well by either gender.
Mat: Are you kidding me?!? You mean Rand tricked me into coming here?
Nynaeve: It would appear so.
Mat: The Dragon Reborn is going to be the Dragon Re-dead, when I'm through with him ...