Dark One Expresses Desire to Walk in the Light, Brings Back Dead
by darkholer
Shayol Ghul (AP) -- Shai'tan sent shockwaves through Randland yesterday afternoon when he renounced his position as head of the Shadow. He went on to explain that he thought he'd been on the side of good all along and that "THIS HAS ALL BEEN A BIG MISUNDERSTANDING."
"IT WENT LIKE THIS," he intoned, like a cat intoning its piss on your favorite shirt. "I WOKE UP AND SAW THERE WERE TWO FACTIONS: A GAGGLE OF SANCTIMONIOUS TWATS CALLED AES SEDAI AND THOSE WHO HATED THEM. PUT IT THIS WAY - IT WAS LIKE THERE WAS A WHOLE BUNCH OF EGWENES RUNNING AROUND, AND I DIDN'T SO MUCH AS SUPPORT THE LATTER AS I OPPOSED THE FORMER. CAN YOU REALLY BLAME ME?"
In an effort to showcase his newfound goodwill, Shai'tan resurrected everyone who had died in the last twenty years. Reaction was mixed.
"I've been emasculated" Rand al'Thor lamented. "I mean, my balls are still there and all, but they're pretty damn useless. Having three girlfriends was a lot cooler when they were elsewhere most of the time and only stopped by for sex. And don't get me started on two mothers, plus like six mothers in law and some old bag Lini who wont stop talking."
"Light, you should hear them blather about the wedding," he continued. "What I wouldn't give for one hour without them nattering at me. It's always 'Rand, stop slouching,' 'honey, which invitation do you like,' and 'baby, I'm horny.' Heh, the last one's not so bad, I guess. Except the time Kari said it. That was pretty sick."
He did admit, however, that there were some truly good consequences.
"You know the first thing I went and did when I heard the news?" he asked. "I gathered up all the Maidens and told them to just shut the hell up already. Actually, the first thing I did was ask Lamelle to make me some soup just so I could throw it back in her face. Man that was awesome. I don't owe those bitches jack anymore. Plus, the Dark One didn't bother bringing back Moiraine, Lanfear, Ishamael, and the other dead Forsaken, which was pretty sweet of him. Though I did see two Taims running around with Demandred - what's up with that?"
Meanwhile, Perrin Aybara found his joy dissipating soon after he found out.
"No way! My whole family's alive again? You mean I can go and see my mom, and sisters, and aunts, and ... oh, don't even bother ignoring me Faile; I can smell your stupid ass over here. Can I at least say hi to my little brother? My dad? Wait, where are you going? Please come back! I'll put the dog collar on again."
Philosopher Herid Fel had a different take. He was overheard telling his lamp that if the Dark One was no longer diametrically opposed to the Creator the universe would come to an abrupt end, which is pretty much what he appeared to want in the first place.
"HAH HAH, GOOD ONE. WHAT A JOKER THAT GUY IS," laughed Shai'tan, like your boss laughing at something inane and forcing you to laugh along even though you'd like nothing better to punch him in the face for being such a tool but can't because you value having a job, when reached for comment. "SERIOUSLY, ASK HIM YOURSELF."
Calls to Fel's office were answered by a man claiming "Herid has lost his head" trying to work around the matter and wouldn't be available for some time.