Blair : Hello. I am…
Dr Phil : We know who you are. I am Dr Phil – the world’s most eminent expert of the mind.
Blair : Isn’t…
Dr Phil : No.
Blair : But he…
Dr Phil : No. I am the best. I made more profits than him with my bestselling books. None of his books ever came close, even the one on oral fixation.
Oprah : Well I am the greatest philosopher of the modern age then.
All : What?!
Oprah : Yeah. I’ve made tons of money messing with people’s philosophies on life. Watch… Dr Barnard …. See young Sepo there. He is destined to starve, destined to be neglected. Soon the militant government of Kookieland will come and enslave his parents. He will be alone, and hungry. The Wheel will weave out pain and suffering for him. He has only one hope…. Revlon.
Dr Barnard :
… Oh you’re good. Damn you’re good.Dark One : WELCOME MR BLAIR.
Blair : Heh. Hello… sir.
Chris Barnard : So, you are supposedly the second greatest man in the world? What evidence to you have to offer in support of yourself?
Paris Hilton : Wait. Does that mean I’m destined to be attracted to Bush! I hate the guy… he’s ugly and old… and stupid.
Dark One : SHIT HAPPENS.
Paris Hilton : Fine then. But as a reward I get to choose my own name. I will wrap myself in white – because I am pure.
All : HAHAHAHA!
Paris Hilton : Argh… fine then. I will wrap myself in pink and I will terrorize the world in my new garb. Thus forth… I will be known as … Pinkfear.
*silence*
Oprah : It’s missing something. Maybe we can work on it later, Paris.
Paris Hilton : My name is Pinkfear!
Dr Barnard : Yes well. I personally am very glad to be here. I’ve done some spectacular surgery over the years. Yet very few know that I have a dark side.
Tony Blair : Indeed?
Dr Barnard : Indeed. I’ve been leaving theatre swabs inside my patient’s chests for over ten years. Mwah-ha-HA-HA-HA
All : Oooooooo
Dr Barnard : There is more. I haven’t paid my medical council registration fee… twice.
All : Gasp!!
Dark One : WOULD YOU BE NAE’BLIS?
Dr Barnard : It is kind of you to offer, Supreme Ultimate Grand Master.
Dark One : GREAT LORD WILL DO.
Dr Barnard : As you say Great Lord.
Dark One : HENCEFORTH YOU SHALL BE CALLED HEMORRHAGE.
Dr Barnard : Hmm… better than brain-abscess I suppose. Still, it sounds a bit off. A haemorrhage was never a good thing when I was operating.
Oprah : Maybe some small blood loss would make you seem more formidable. I propose… Minirhage.
Dr Barnard : No… that will make people wonder what the ‘mini’ is referring to. Something a little bigger.
Oprah : Quarterrhage?
Dr Barnard : Almost. A little bigger…
Oprah : Semirhage?
Dr Barnard : Hmmm…. Runs off the tongue nicely. Malicious. Not a total hemorrhage symbolic of an inept surgeon, but not a absurdly well-behaved one either. I love it!
Tony Blair : Hey! I’m the obvious choice for Nae’blis!
Paris Hilton : Yeah right. You’re just a puppet for the *cough* great *cough* Bush Therin. You do everything he says.
Tony Blair : I do not!
Oprah : Oh look… he’s got a new chopper.
Tony Blair : Hey, I better get a new one too.
Oprah :
Tiger Woods : Am I late?
Dr Barnard : Yes… you might say you are… out of bounds.
*silence*
Dr Barnard : Argh.
Dark One : WE HAVE EXPECTED YOU, TIGER.
Dr Phil : Why are you turning? You’re rich, and you get to play a game for a career!
Tiger Woods : I’m sick of Bush Therin and his aggressive foreign policy. What else do you think I reminisce over while walking the fairway? Besides, I’ve become pretty good with my golf ball – and I think if the golf ball was an army, I would kick ass.
Dr Phil : Hmm…
Tiger Woods : What is your reason?
Dr Phil : People can’t live up to my expectations anymore. It’s just divorce, divorce, divorce. I’m sick of it. I woke up one day and decided I’d much rather destroy their minds with the One Power than help them.
Tiger Woods : I see. There are a lot of men here. Aren’t some of these people meant to be women?
Dark One : THE GREATEST DOCTOR AND PSYCHIATRIST ARE BOTH MEN IN THIS AGE.
Tiger Woods : But that woman with the flaming eyes seems quite tough.
Dark One : AYE, BY MAKING THE NAE’BLIS A WOMAN, I CAN BYPASS THE EQUALITY COURTS.
Dr Phil : Brilliant.
Oprah : These are NOT flaming eyes! These are Revlon eyes
Tiger Woods : Whatever makes you happy, honey. I tried to read your book, The Absence of Meaning and the Dissembly of Reason. Couldn’t get past the introduction.
Oprah : It’s aimed at a polar target audience of zombies and academics. Those books made millions.
Tiger Woods : Unlike Tony’s book, Should we follow? which did pitifully.
Tony Blair : It would have been a success! How was I to know Bush Therin’s book would be published one day earlier. Everyone wanted to read What the hell decision should I make today? over my bestseller.
Chris Barnard : Hmmm… seems like a double bogey to me, wouldn’t you agree, Tiger?
*silence*
Chris Barnard : gods…
Dark One : SPEAKING OF, I SHALL NOW NAME YOU. BLAIR – YOU WILL BE KNOWN AS DEMANDRED FROM NOW ON. PHIL, YOU ARE GRAENDAL. TIGER, YOU ARE SAMMAEL. OPRAH… YOU ARE ISHAMAEL.
Oprah : Sounds very manly.
Dark One : YOU’LL BE FINE.
Tiger Woods : What do these names mean? I’m not walking around with a name which means bunny poo.
Dark One : THEY ARE ALL PART GOTHIC, PART NEO-CELTIC BASED NAMES. THEY HAVE MEANINGS THROUGH MANY DIMENSIONS. I’VE HAD A LOT OF TIME TO THINK.
Dr Phil : Yeah… how did you get free?
Paris Hilton : Hee hee… I did it somehow. All I know is that I threw a champagne bottle at my microwave. When I woke up my dogs had disintegrated and the building was gone.
Dr Barnard : Cool. I mean… that was a hole in one
*silence*
Dr Barnard : Is this an audience, or a mural?
Paris Hilton : Who are these other people?
Dark One : THEY ARE LESSER CHOSEN. THEY EITHER LOOK NICE OR DO SOMETHING AMUSING. YOU MUST BEFRIEND THEM.
Tony Blair : Hmm, you there, boy. The good looking one. Yes you! Who are you?
Pete : I’m Pete.
Tony Blair : And?
Pete : Well, I kind of force women to like me even if they don’t want to. I have this dance I do. And I can use Compulsion like a hammer.
Dr Phil : Interesting. Who are you, woman?
Joan : I’m Joan. I’m a banker.
Dr Phil : Can you make money out of sand?
Joan : No… but I hide really well. And no one ever finds me until I want them to.
Dr Barnard : Okay. So Great Lord, what is our plan?
Dark One : WE WILL ESTABLISH OUR STRENGTH HERE. WE WILL EXPOSE OURSELVES AS A NEWLY ESTABLISHED NUCLEAR POWER. BUSH THERIN WILL FEEL COMPELLED TO ATTACK US.
Oprah : Is that a good thing?
Dr Phil : Are you kidding?! The guy’s totally inept. He’s so bad he could wreck the True Source.
Oprah : That’s impossible.
Dr Barnard : Yeah, but a fun idea.
Dark One : WE WILL ALSO ASSIGN PINKFEAR TO KIDNAP HIM. AND SEDUCE HIM.
Paris Hilton : But … I …
Dr Phil : Take one for the team, honey.
Oprah : And then at the G8 Summit, I shall call for the destruction of EVERYTHING. Except Revlon of course.
Dark One : OF COURSE.
Dr Barnard : And now what?
Dark One : NOW?… ON TO BATTLE!
Tony Blair : Die Bush Therin! Die! I will bring you down! I will be the sword who cuts you down!!! You shall thrash in death knowing that I was the one who rose to a greatness you could never attain!!!
Dark One : THE OTHERS HAVE LEFT ALREADY, DEMANDRED. AND I DON’T PLAY WITH MY MOLTEN MAGMA WHEN OTHERS ARE AROUND. SO, YOU KNOW…. PLEASE LEAVE.
Tony Blair : Uh… okay. Bye…