Cadsuane disciplines the Multiverse
by sidious

 

Cadsuane decides to discipline the multiverse …

Lord of the Rings

Cadsuane : Rawr.

Frodo : What is it Gandalf?

Gandalf : An Aes Sedai. A demon of the Ancient World.

Cadsuane : So melodramatic! rolleye

Aragorn : We stand by you Gandalf!

Gandalf : You fools, swords are of no use here! Fly! To the Bridge of Kazad-dum!

Everyone : *frantic run*

Cadsuane : *slow walk*

Frodo : Gandalf!

Gandalf : You cannot pass!

Cadsuane : You imbecile. You’re defending the Ladies’ Room.

Gandalf : I am the servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Anor! You cannot pass!

Cadsuane : I am the servant of the White Tower, wielder of the moon ter’angreal of unknown function. I need to pee.

Gandalf : Go back to the Shadow!

Cadsuane : Ah, now you’re in trouble. No man may mention the Black Ajah without receiving a good spanking in return.

*The eight-pointed star ter’angreal goes in for the kill, but it is deflected off Gandalf’s sword, Glamdring. Sparks shower the bridge*

Gandalf : Yaaa!!!

Cadsuane : smirk

Gandalf : You shall not pass!!!

Cadsuane : Idiot.

*Gandalf smites the bridge and Cadsuane falls.*

Gandalf : smile

*Gandalf is snared by an Air weave and falls with Cadsuane*

Cadsuane : Let’s go old man. I said you would get a spanking, and when I reach the bottom of this pit, I intend to make do on my promise.

Gandalf : Noo!!!

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The Matrix

Cadsuane : You there, boy. Load the fighting program.

Neo : Woah. Where am I?

Cadsuane : In a program.

Neo : You mean, I’m in the program?

Cadsuane : *sigh* Is it really so hard to believe. You clothes are now civilized, your hair is not an absurd mess, you don’t look like a caveman from Borneo, and you might actually be presentable to a lower class Court.

Neo : Good point.

Cadsuane : Now… hit me.

*lots of fighting… Neo is useless*

Neo : What am I doing wrong?

Cadsuane : You left ankle isn’t straight… your breathing is irregular… your facial expression is not aggressive enough…

*ten minutes later*

… your socks are too white for my taste, you have a nosehair which is irritating me, and you generally irritate me as a person.

Neo : Hmmm….

Cadsuane : Now, hit me. Don’t think you can… just prove that you can think at all.

*fight fight*

Mouse : Look at her neuro-kinetics, they’re way above normal!!!

*Cadsuane traps Neo at a pillar*

Cadsuane : *slap* *slap* *slap* *slap* *slap* *slap* *slap* … *hundreds of slaps in a few seconds*

Trinity : I don’t believe it.

Neo : I know what you’re trying to do.

Cadsuane : What?

Neo : You’re trying to teach me to free my mind.

Cadsuane : Phaw. I didn’t know a lesson was involved. I was just here to practice my slapping. Bad teaching perhaps, but personally gratifying.

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Age of Legends

*Cadsuane slaps a Dashain for the hundredth time*

Cadsuane : You’re right. They really do just stand there while I slap them.

Mierin : Thank you.

Cadsuane : Get a backbone boy. I hate spineless ninnies.

Mierin : It’s no use Cadsuane. He…

Cadsuane : *slaps Dashain*

Dashain : *slaps Mierin*

Mierin : oh

Cadsuane : approve

Mierin : angry

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Star Wars

Emperor : Join the Shadow.

Cadsuane : No.

Emperor : Please.

Cadsuane : I said no. Don’t make me say no again.

Emperor : Argh. If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed. *lightning*

Cadsuane : Is that stuff supposed to do something? Let me introduce you to the toys hanging from my hair.

Emperor : Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Dark Side!

Cadsuane : That’s what Semirhage said, and she’s busy fertilizing daisies.

Emperor : Who is Semirhage?

Cadsuane : Another woman with a penchant for black attire.

Emperor : I’m not a woman!

Cadsuane : My bad. So will you give up now, or must I spank you like I spank all naughty boys with a desire for galactic domination.

Emperor : You will pay the price for your lack of vision.

Cadsuane : I can’t foretell you moron. You really are a silly little man. Now sit down on your chair until I find a way to punish your tantrum.

Emperor : I …!

Cadsuane : Now wait there. I need to speak to this young lad you’re trying to turn to the ways of evil. You don’t mind do you? Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Emperor : Uh… okay.

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Jurassic Park

T-Rex : RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWR!!!!!!!!!!!

Cadsuane : *slap*

T-Rex : cries

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Narnia

Cadsuane : Hello again Ice Queen.

Jadis : Cadsuane, is Rand al’Thor hard of hearing?

Cadsuane : I’m tempted to scream ‘yes’, but to be fair he can actually hear.

Jadis : Hmm, and is Perrin Aybara … unintelligent.

Cadsuane : Must… hold… back…. No.

Jadis : Then HOW DARE you come here without them?

Cadsuane : I came here to see you.

Jadis : Cadsuane, I asked so little of you, and yet you couldn’t even deliver that small order.

Cadsuane : Order? I’ve spanked the bottoms of three reigning kings and several queens. I will especially not hesitate on a frosty usurper to the Throne of Narnia.

Jadis : oh

Cadsuane : Now sit down, before I defrost your bottom.

Jadis : angry

Cadsuane : Sit!!!

Jadis : Okay. cries

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Lord of the Rings

Sauron : I … SEE… YOU!

Cadsuane : Of course you do, you’re a giant eye!

Sauron : There is no life in the Void… only… death.

Cadsuane : Amusing. Now… put this pink bow in the shadow above your eye where your hair would normally be. Do it, or I’ll be forced to spank your eyelid which won’t be comfortable.

Sauron : Okay.

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A Few Good Men

Lawyer : Colonel Cadsuane, did you order a Code Red?

Cadsuane : What IS that?

Lawyer : Just answer the question.

Cadsuane : What do you want you silly little boy?

Lawyer : I want the truth!

Cadsuane : You can’t handle the truth!

Lawyer : The truth!

Cadsuane : Fine then. The Black Ajah exists and frequently murders members of the White Tower. The number of darkfriends in the Tower is far greater than in the average population. We may even have had a Black Amyrlin at one stage, but its difficult to say.

Lawyer : oh I want a lie!

Cadsuane : Heh… sorry… Three Oaths.

Lawyer : Noooooo!!!

Judge : Noooooo!!!

Cadsuane : Oh be quiet you fools. I’ll spank the lot of you.

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