Early moments in the Pit of Doom
by sidious
The following problems were encountered in the early years of the War of Power…
Ishamael : Hello? Is anyone here?
Dark One : Mew mah moo moo pok?
Ishamael : What?! Hello?
Dark One : Purr jik lok laf ka ka ki !!!
Ishamael : Whoever you are, this doesn’t make any sense!
Dark One : How about now?
Ishamael : Hey, I understand you.
Dark One : To the Pit of Doom with you humans! Is it too much to ask for you to keep your language for more than one Age!?
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Ishamael : Are we all here?
Lanfear : Yes, that’s thirteen. We’re all here. What’s the meeting about?
Ishamael : First, let us have refreshments. Demandred, will you pour us some wine.
Demandred : We can’t channel in here, can we?
Ishamael : Only if you want to die a gruesome death.
*silence*
Ishamael : What? The wine… !
Demandred : It’s just that … I don’t know how to pour wine without the Power.
Ishamael : Argh. Graendal, if you please…
Graendal : Okay…
*pours wine*
Ishamael : Well? Bring it to us!
Graendal : So … uh… how does one move a wine glass without saidar again?
Ishamael : *groan*
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Dark One : WELCOME MY CHOSEN.
*silence*
Dark One : HELLO?
Ishamael : I am here, Great Lord.
Dark One : WHERE ARE THE OTHER CHOSEN?
Ishamael : Flailing and writhing in ecstasy on the floor.
Dark One : I HATE THE POWER OF MY VOICE.
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Dark One : MWAH-HA-HA-HA … DIE TRAITOR
Semirhage : Incubis is dead, Great Lord.
Dark One : YES, CRUSHED BY MY TUNNEL OF SHARP TEETH
Semirhage : A death worthy of a treacherous insider.
Dark One : SEND IN MEVRIN.
Semirhage : Um, he’s dead too. And so is Yuman. And everyone else who was descending to the Pit.
Dark One : ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME MY TEETH CAN’T CLOSE SELECTIVELY?!
Semirhage : Yeah. Sucks hey?
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Mesaana : I swear my soul to you Great Lord?
Dark One : ARE YOU A MALE OR FEMALE CHANNELER?
Mesaana : *gasp* Well, that’s pretty offensive!
Dark One : WHAT IS IT ABOUT A VOICE WITHOUT EYES AND EARS THAT YOU DON’T GET?
Mesaana : Oh. I’m a woman.
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Moghedien : I present you with Jared Mosinel, Great Lord. He is to be mindtrapped!
Dark One : Cast his essence into the fires which cloak my being!
*throws the crystal into the fire*
Moghedien : *gasp* Great Lord, he’s just fallen over dead! Is the crystal meant to sink into the lava?
Dark One : DAMMIT! JUST BECAUSE I’M A DEITY DOESN’T MEAN I’M GOOD AT EVERYTHING!
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Ishamael : Lews Therin defeated me at the gates of Paaren Disen, Great Lord. I’m sick of the One Power!
Dark One : WELL YOU CAN CHANNEL MY TRUE POWER, BUT IT’S PRETTY CRAP.
Ishamael : In what way, Great Lord?
Dark One : IT GIVES YOU INFERNAL EYES AND A DARK FORM. IT ALSO MAKES YOU INSANE.
Ishamael : Hmm… interesting. Any disadvantages?
Dark One : MMMM…. WOULD YOU BE NAE’BIS?
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Semirhage : I’m sick of Lanfear, Great Lord. She flits in and ruins all my plans!
Mesaana : And Demandred is rude to me frequently!
Moghedien : And I’m tired of acting all sweet and innocent in Lews Therin’s cabinet!
Sammael : I want to launch my offensive on the northern territories!
Asmodean : How must I get a piano here, Great Lord, if I can’t channel!
Dark One : *sigh* I HATE THE LIVING.
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Dark One : FREE! MWAH-HA-HA-HA! I’M FREE!
Ishamael : Great Lord, Lews Therin is on his way with all the Hundred Companions and an army of ten thousand!
Dark One : OH YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
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Dark One : ANY QUESTIONS, MY NEW MINIONS?
Semirhage : Yes, Great Lord – when do we get immortality?
Dark One : I’VE ALREADY GIVEN IT TO YOU. SEE… YOU’RE ALL IMMORTAL.
Moghedien : Awesome! Look at me, I’m not dying!
Sammael : Yeah me too. I can feel my immortality.
Rahvin : This is amazing. My heart even feels stronger. My body’s vitality is enormous!
Lanfear : Yeah, I’m not ageing. I can feel it!
Dark One : HEH.
Semirhage : Well how do we know if we’re immortal, or just living out our normal lifespans?
*silence*
Dark One : GET OUT, SEMIRHAGE!
Lanfear : Wise ass.
Sammael : There’s one in every bunch.
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Graendal : So apparently we aren’t allowed to channel in here.
Ishamael : Yeah. The Great Lord kills out of suspicion.
Moghedien : Well how are we supposed to arrive?
Ishamael : You Travel and then release the Source.
Moghedien : And how do we leave?
Ishamael : You embrace the Source and Travel.
Moghedien : Oh.
Ishamael : And Demandred, maybe you should remove those twenty seven sa’angreal bangles on each arm before the Great Lord arrives.
Demandred : What? Sa’angreal?
Ishamael : Oh. Right.
Demandred : I’ll have you know that these were a gift from the Mullah of Wakistan!
Graendal : There is no Mullah of Wakistan.
Demandred : Would you please shut up?
Graendal : Okay.
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Dark One : AND SEMIRHAGE HAD AN ORNAMENT IN HER HAIR WHICH I SWEAR WAS A SA’ANGREAL.
Ishamael : Master…
Dark One : AND SAMMAEL LOOKED AT ME FUNNY, AND I THOUGHT HE SMIRKED.
Ishamael : Master…
Dark One : AND JUST YESTERDAY ASMODEAN WHISTLED A TUNE WHICH I’M SURE WAS INTENDED TO MOCK ME.
Ishamael : Master!
Dark One : WHAT?
Ishamael : You’re being paranoid. None of us are plotting against you.
*shouting outside*
Dark One : WHAT WAS THAT?!
Ishamael : Demandred’s with his circle of 72.
Dark One : *gasp*
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Dark One : WOULD YOU RELEASE THE BALEFIRE IN MY SERVICE?
Moghedien : Hell yeah, Great Lord!
Dark One : WELL DON’T YOU STUPID WOMAN! DIDN’T A YEAR OF LIBERAL USE TEACH YOU ANYTHING?!
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